Ugh

This is for every black person who has said that Bill Clinton was the closest thing we have ever gotten to. Those people are idiots. Bill Clinton cares about black people as much as he cares about a squirrel fart in the wind.

If you don’t believe me just look at the tactics he has resorted to during this political race. First off he isn’t even running for president, he is using his “star power” to boost up his wife, second he keeps saying crazy things like this <http://politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com/2008/04/22/bill-clinton-obama-camp-played-the-race-card-on-me/>

which are only serving to hurt his wife, and third just take a look at his presidential record. Almost every bill he signed had some sort of devastating impact upon black people. Just because he moved to Harlem, had an illicit affair and lied about it, and made an appearance on the Arsenio Hall show does not make him black.

I hate skinny bitches

Seriously though.

I weigh 255 lbs and on a good day I love my body, on a bad day I am indifferent. I am working on losing 55 lbs because quite frankly I am staring several health issues straight in the eye. Both sides of my family have diabetes, my grandmother on my fathers side had breast cancer, and an great auntie on my mother’s side died from breast cancer (several studies have found that there might be a correlation between obesity and breast cancer, my mother recently developed type 1 and a half diabetes (apparently she always had the hereditary version but for some reason it just now decided to pop up. go figure), sometimes I have issues breathing. And I can go on. But I won’t. Point of the story is that I need to lose weight. But I will not let the fact that I am overweight affect my self esteem. Sorry can’t do it. I love me too much.

The whole point of this post is to talk about skinny bitches who are crazy. I just read another woman’s blog and one of her posts completely turned me off this lady*. Her blog generally focuses on her sex life, swinging, shopping, and living in cali. It was great, until she wrote a post about hating bikini season. Apparently she weighs 97 lbs, purchased a two piece bikini 2 years ago and never wore it because she hates the way her body looks in it. Umm what?! I am 5′4″ to 5′7″ (depending on who is taking the measurements hah) and I weigh 255 fucking pounds, but I generally love my body. I love my little hour glass figure, I love how I move, and I especially love how I look in my bra and panties. So how can a woman who is clearly overweight have such great self image, but the woman who has obtained “the perfect body” be completely unhappy with hers?

I don’t get it!!! Someone please stop the madness.

And if another jackhole attempts to make me feel bad for being overweight and loving my body, they will end up having their testicles and/or ovaries forcibly removed by me, by hand, roasted over an open fire, and force fed to them.

There I said it. And now its done.

*I won’t link to her blog because I don’t want my opinions to color anyone else’s impression about her. Just because her poor body image turned me off to her doesn’t mean I should prevent someone else from enjoying her writing.

Quick post, and then I’m out.

I just found raverly.com. It looks super cool. It is a community for knitters and crocheters. Unfortunately, they have a WAITLIST!!! omg that’s bumming me out.

I also found a pattern for a DNA baby toy.

Seriously!? I just found my next project. I wish I was smart enough to think up patterns like that. And I would love to start this project, but I have waaaay too many WIPs (work in progress) and I made a promise not to start anymore until I finish what I started. I think I currently have 10 WIPs or so.

One of my WIPS is a baby blanket that is tan, light brown, chocolate brown, and a creamy yellow color.

I did this in paint, and they didn’t have all the colors I wanted. Just imagine the colors that I mentioned. The checkerboard part will be where the chocolate brown and creamy yellow will go, and the tan and light brown will be the borders. The checkerboard part will be crocheted, and the borders are knitted. You get the idea. Studies have found that babies love contrast, so the whole checkerboard pattern thing should keep the baby occupied for hours. And its a little girl who will most likely have red hair (her mom has red hair). It will be gorgeous against her skin tone and hair color.

Making things rock. 1 Day at a time.

around my mind

I need FX to quit jerking me around when it comes to my tv!

They got me hooked with rescue me, nip/tuck, 30 days, starved (show wasn’t picked up but the first 5 episodes rocked out loud. basic premise: man suffering from bulimia/anorexia tries to fight the disease using a new technique think aa for eaters, has daily lunches with friends who are suffering various mental issues, hilarity ensues in his quest to fight his demons), and now dirt. Why should I be mad? Because Nip/tuck has gone down hill since half way through season 3 but I still watched, and they jipped me out of 2 episodes this season. And now dirt is ending after only half a season.

O let’s blame the writers strike, sure. But if I wasn’t mistaken the writers strike ended a few months ago, stop being lazy and write the rest of the episodes and air them when ready. Don’t worry I’ll wait! Dirt is that good. And don’t mention that they made us wait 2 weeks for the season finale of nip/tuck. So I could definitely wait to see the rest of dirt. It was getting good. I’m loyal to fx, because the network features cutting edge writing with great actors. No filler here. Nothing is left sacred. Everything is examined. Don’t fuck up all your good work by getting lazy now. Just because I’ve been loyal for so long, doesn’t mean that I won’t take my viewing time elsewhere.

Speaking of leaving networks. Adult Swim is pushing their luck as well. I’ve watched adult swim for the last 10 years of my life (it started my freshman year of high school, I know that I just gave away my age but whatever). And within the last 3 its become mainstream. And as a result, all of the quirky, funnyness that made adult swim what it is, has been removed. Don’t ya know we gotta capitulate to the masses, and the masses likes things that are droll and conventional! Stop the madness adult swim. And get back on your game.

Black women wash your hair! I know that we have this thing where we like to make a hairstyle last as long as possible. But the itching, burning, crazyness just is not worth it. If I see one more girl hitting herself in the head (because it burns so much, but wait she can’t wash it!!!) or if I smell someone’s else hair funk, I’m going to hold her down and hose her hair right then and there. Don’t tempt me people, I’ll do it.

Granted we don’t have to wash our hair as often as white women, but this 1x every hairdo (especially when a hair do can last months at a time) nonsense needs to stop. A few days ago, I patronized a friends party. And there was this young lady there, very intelligent, cool, laid back young lady. But I could not bring myself to befriend her. Why? Her hair stank! And i mean it STANK, I smelled it from across the room. And at first I could not figure out the smell, and then she stood near me and I bout died! I also know another young lady who is complaining about her itchy, dry, flaky, scalp. When I asked her how often she washes her hair, she told me 2x a month. And when I told her that that was most likely her issue she started whining about trying to keep her hairstyle as long as possible. WTF!? I have no sympathy for her. If you are willing to sacrifice your hair to look good, you’re an idiot. And I hate to refer to her like that, since she is studying to become a doctor and doing an excellent job while at it. But if you think that dirty hair is acceptable than your an idiot. Also, hair does not grow when its dirty, and if your scalp is inflamed. That’s part of the reason I see so many girls walking around here with no hair. We have been fed bullshit by our mothers, and by black society. Wash your hair when it gets dirty! For those of us who don’t rely heavily on product, you should go by how much natural oils your scalp produces. Black people just do not produce as much natural oil as white people, as a matter of fact we have to introduce oils to our scalps to keep them healthy. But that does not mean that we can get away with never washing our hair!!! Another caveat, once you go natural, your hair likes water! I rinse my scalp every day, I wash with shampoo about every 3 days or so. But that’s because I try to limit my product usage. But water touches my head every day because my hair loves water, and I can’t do anything with it while its dry. Point of the story, wash your hair more frequently.

Whatever happened to Anita Baker? She could sing her tail off. With her deep, raspy, soulful voice. Anita Baker’s voice is what love and heartache sounds like. I need her to come back. Dang I miss her. I also love Ms. Baker because she brings back such fond memories of my auntie. My auntie loves Ms. Baker more than me. As a matter of fact she was the one who started my love affair with Ms. Baker in the first place. I vivid remember how my auntie had to sneak and listen to Ms. Baker on her husband’s stereo system. Granted that was b.s. that her husband wouldn’t let her listen to it outright, but it was a really nice system. But what’s an electronic compared to your wife’s happiness and enjoyment. It was so serious that my auntie would have one of us stationed in the front room to watch out for her husband, so she could turn it off before he walked in the house. But then he would walk in their room and touch the system to test the heat coming off it. And then he would throw a bitch fit. It was worth it. Anita would transform my auntie to another place, and although she couldn’t carry a tune in a bucket her singing always sounded great to me!

While I’m at it, I miss the music from the 80s. Excellent music for the most part, some songs overdid it with the synthesizer. But the fashion sucked so hard. Prince’s music from back then still rocks out loud, but I’m not that big a fan of his old stuff. O well. Here’s to nostalgia for good music. Because the shit we have today is just that, shit.

All up in my ears:

Anita Baker’s Giving You the Best That I Got Sweet Love is getting heavy rotation today.

Debarge-Greatest Hits

Prince-Kiss, Little Red Corvette, Raspberry Beret, When Doves Cry, etc. etc.

Chaka Khan-I Feel For You

…like a bitch

I totally broke down crying today in my adviser’s office. Like I said, she doesn’t want me to defend next week. She said that my draft is a rough draft and not a final draft. In my defense if you would have read it the first time we wouldn’t be in this predicament!

I started crying over formatting issues!

My adviser asked what happened with the document, why did the formatting get all screwed up. But I know that she was really wondering why I would send her an effed up document without bothering to fix minor details. That is SO not me! I spent hours working on this stupid draft. Nay make that days. And add that I am working with the effing template that is supposed to prevent formatting errors from occurring in the first place. Personally the document makes sense to me. I don’t know what else to do. I can’t make the document better if you don’t fucking read it.

So I am right in the middle of explaining to her that all of my tables keep getting screwed up between her computer and mine, as well as the spacing and I couldn’t finish my sentence. I broke down boohoo crying. The last time I did that was when I had a major fight with my brother (another post for another day). I spent about 5 minutes crying. I don’t cry. No like seriously I don’t cry. I usually cry once a year, and that is always almost a family related cry. I just don’t cry, especially in front of strangers (i.e. non family members). Of all the places to cry, why her office?

So I still feel like a complete idiot about the crying jag. And I know that it really had nothing to do with the formatting errors. That was just the trigger. Between the stress, the non communication, me trying to be super woman, and fearing having to push back graduation (yet again!), and other mental issues that I have. I lost it. Shit I feel like crying right now as I type.

I need a shrink. But I know that if I have to openly deal with that emotional baggage right now, I will definitely have a mental break down and probably have to be medicated or worse institutionalized.

in my ears:

Angie Stone “The Art of Love and War”; John Legend-Save Room

angry student?!

Quick post for I am short on time. As usual.

I am so conflicted about how to react towards my committee members. On one hand I am absolutely appalled that they are not giving me the assistance that I need. On the other I feel like a jackass for complaining so much. They are humans as well. Yet they already have established careers, and I’m trying to earn my Masters.

More info later. Very detailed and drawn out story. For now take pity on me.

*edited to add information*

I am deep into the thesis process. So deep as a matter of fact I defend in 10 days. I am constantly begging my thesis adviser for constructive criticism. But she is off in her own world.

My thesis adviser had my first thesis draft for 3 weeks before she decided to actually read it. I basically harassed her about reading my draft. I sent email after email inquiring if she had finished. I went by her office several times. I even called her once or twice. Still she decided to take her sweet sweet sweet time. This caused me to push back my graduation. I couldn’t defend my thesis if it needed major revisions Which turns out it did. After she finally read my draft, she sent me an email saying that we needed to meet ASAP. But what happened to the numerous emails that I sent her? Nothing is important until she says its important. The worst part of all of this? She had my draft for 3 weeks and she only commented on small things. I have no issue with making revisions. That’s life. Nothing is perfect the first time it comes out. Perfection comes with repetition. I got that. So don’t get upset with me when I give you something that is not perfect. Next, don’t hold onto something for three weeks, say that it only needs minor revisions, then have a cow when i fix those revisions and miss major issues. Umm hello I don’t read minds. Give me comprehensive comments, not shit like fix grammar, you repeated this already.

She sent me this email:

“I hope you have been improving the document while I read the most recent
version. See comments attached. We need to meet ASAP.”

I am so angry right now.

Maybe I’m overreacting. I do tend to take things very personally. My mom calls me over emotional.

But this just does not feel right. Something deep within my soul is telling me that my adviser is trying to prevent me from defending my thesis by stalling. They are supposed to prevent you from even getting to the thesis defense if your draft sucks. I have heard rumors around the department that her and my co-chair have been discussing my fate. And my co-chair is pointedly told other professors that she doesn’t think I have what it takes. I ONLY believe this because I asked her myself what she thought. She wouldn’t answer the question.

What should I do?

signed

despair in academia

Thesis up ahead

I made my april 1st deadline. Although my revisions weren’t the best they could be. I turned it in around 2.30 pm 4/1. It was due at 5pm. But my brain had surrendered. If I could have turned it in around 10pm or so I could have taken a nap and made it better. Alas that was not the situation. My defense is 4/15 and I know that my advisor is going to wait until 4/13 to give me comments back. So in light of that, I plan to continue working on my draft. Make it better, faster, stronger (hah).

More details later.

What good is a blog, if you can’t use it to complain!!!

***post edited to update the link for the hunger strike video***

My thesis revisions are due on the first, I will have had 10 days to make all of the neccessary revisions, but of course I wait until the last minute to start working. I am so upset with myself right now. I went out last night, and got completely smashed. I mean balls to the walls smashed. Then I woke up at 8.40 am to babysit for one of my besties. That kinda worked out since me and the little girl ended up becoming nap buddies. That rocked. After they left, I went back to sleep. I didn’t officially wake up until 4pm, and then I have been hanging out with my “faux husband” ever since. I have lost all concept of responsibility. Any sane person would have said no *Faux Husband I can’t hang out I have a lot of work today. I can place some blame on him for pouting like a little bit&h. He throws temper tantrums when I don’t have time for him, but when he wants to hang out with his gay friends I’m encroaching on his space.

“Ohmigod we haven’t talked in 72 hours? are you alive? we need to hang out…why don’t you want to come to my house anymore whine whine whine”

That’s him bit&hing…omg I can hear him inside my head. That’s so sad.

Yet I still can’t blame him, because its my work not his. In other words my responsibility. Although it does bother me that he doesn’t respect my commitments. The worst part is that I allow him to do that. I used to be so strong. What happened to me?

Where are my thesis revisions? Why am I not writing? Pretty simple revisons (make all passive sentences active, clarify certain passages, delete repetition, and clean up commas) but am I doing it? No. Ugh sometimes I hate myself.

I am getting too old for this drinking stuff.

O but on the bright side, I got to watch the “‘banned’ in the USA” boondocks episodes: “The Hunger Strike” and “Uncle Ruckus’ Realty Show”. The episodes were aired in Canada, and someone posted on morrisvideo.com. it seems like another version of youtube, except that it doesn’t have to cowtow to corporate pressure…yet

Banned Boondocks

I cannot stop watching “The Hunger Strike”.

The episodes completely lambasted BET. No, you don’t understand me when I say that. Aaron McGruder obviously hates BET with every fiber of his soul and being. He holds nothing back in these episodes. Which makes for a very entertaining and enlightening show. Ceelo Green is masterful as the right Rev. Rollo Goodlove, an opportunistic parasite who feeds off of other people’s hard work to get what he wants. McGruder parodies the Austin Powers movies and portrays the head of BET as Dr. Evil and Reggie Hudlin as Number 2.

Quick synopsis:

The Hunger Strike: Huey starts a hunger strike to protest BET, he won’t end it until BET is taken off the air. According to him BET is ruining the black community, which they are. That’s their corporate model. Reverend Rollo Goodlove offers support for Huey and hilarity ensues.

Uncle Ruckus’ Reality show: If you are not familiar with Uncle Ruckus, he hates black people although he is black. BET decides to give him a realty show and life gets screwy. There is a plot twist, that rocks but I won’t ruin it for yall.

I don’t know if I agree with showing these episodes in Canada. I doubt that Canadians will understand the context that is so crucial to understanding why this is a satire and not reality.

Why am I having issues in completely accepting these two episodes if I enjoyed them so throughly? Every time I think about Rev. Rollo Goodlove and Mistress Levil I start laughing hysterically.

Main issues: I doubt that the Canadians will understand the social consequences that BET has on Black people. For that matter I don’t think white americans do either. It feels like McGruder is airing a lot of dirty laundry with these episodes. A lot of the things discussed in these two shows should be kept away from white people at all costs.

I also do not like the fact that McGruder used his show to make fun of a personal enemy, Reggie Hudlin. Who as it turns out was the executive producer of season one, but they obviously had some a falling out. Which led to his portrayal as a egg sucking, uncle tom negro, who is bent on destroying black people at all costs. I think using this show as a way to settle personal scores cheapens the value of the show. Maybe I’m reading too much into it but that worries me.

My printer software is a RAM hog. When it runs I cannot do anything else. In reality though, my computer should be able to handle that. Its running super slow, which is also hampering my thesising. I can’t stand slow computers. They interfere with my productivity flow. I’ll probably format it after I submit my thesis to the grad school. I really can’t risk losing anything right now. God forbid if something happens. I would have a complete and utter mental breakdown.

In addition to thesising I’m supposed to be working on this design competition which is due April 25th. The idea is to come up with a memorial design for the freedman’s/contraband cemetery in Virgina. This was where they buried all of the slaves and freedmen who fought in the civil war. Somehow over the years people forgot that it was a cemetery, and it was just rediscovered. Now the city wants to commemorate and remember it. I seriously have the most banging idea ever. And I am almost sure that it would win, or at the very least receive an honorable mention. So why is the design not finished? My fear is paralyzing me. I’d rather not do something, then try and fail. Sad I know. But that’s the story of my life.

I am also in the midst of a personal regime change. I’m tired of being fat, tired of people walking over me because I’m fat and they think that I cannot do any better, tired of letting people think that about me, and tired of regretting things. Today is the day that I make changes. Those changes are coming in the form of dandelions. Dandelions? Yes, Dandelions. If I see a Dandelion, I pick it, take my deepest desire, express it in a wish and then blow. If I blow all of the seeds off the dandelion in one shot, I believe that my wish will come true. So far I’m 3 for 4!!! Here’s hoping that my dreams continue to come true. I’m also praying more.

I keep sneezing uncontrollably. I hope to god that I am not developing allergies. That would suck eggs. It would also be weird since I’ve been in da ville for 6 years and am now JUST developing a reaction to the pollen. Right before I leave!

ciao for now

*(names have been changed to protect the not so innocent)

playlist: easing the pain

Further Up The Road-Johnny Cash

If You Could Read My Mind Love-Johnny Cash

Hurt-Johnny Cash

I Can Be-Alyliah

Falling-Amerie

Its Good To Be Free-Oasis

The Masterplan-Oasis

Pleasure and Pain-112

She Aint Got No Money In The Bank-Swizz Beatz

The Real Folk Blues-The Seatbelts

Shake It-Little Brother

K.O.S. Determination-BlackStar

Astronomy (8th Light)-BlackStar

If You Want Me To Stay-Sly & the Family Stone

Summer Soft-Stevie Wonder

Lonesome Valley-The Fairfield Four

1 year anniversary

i’ve been posting for a full year!

sweet