I talked to Dude today.
Normally our conversations do not make for good blog fodder. But today’s did. First I must tell you a little bit about Dude. He has a special place in my heart. Well not in that “omg I so love him” kinda way, but I definitely could not imagine the last 3 years without him.We have messed around off and on since we met. He is different from the other guys I have known (in that biblical sense), because, we are actually as close to friends as fuck buddies can be. We talk several times a day and for hours on end about everything. He makes me laugh, we have a lot in common, he is actually intelligent and oh my word can he put it down in bed. Essentially the perfect guy. O I almost forgot to mention that he is 6′4″ 270lbs. Just how I like em big and cuddly. There are some things that need to be ironed out but for the most part, he works.
This still doesn’t even make our conversation today extra special. Lately, I’ve been perusing this dating blog that comes from the perspective of two brothers, appropriately titled verysmartbrothas.com. Catchy title, plus the men there are always spot on with their perspectives. One post in particular caught my eye and made lots of sense to me, Brotha’s Gonna Work It Out. Especially the idea that men want women to wait, and sometimes can eventually find love through ass. That hit me hard.
Back to dude and our convo today. Like I said we have been fucking on and off for almost 3 years now. And it originally didn’t start out as a fuck buddy arrangement, but I gave the draws up too soon. Like I won’t even tell you how soon, lest you think of me as a [insert derogatory female phrase here]. I know that he originally wanted more, because I made him jump through hoops, and basically wade through hell to get next to me in the first place. Plus the person who hooked us up, to begin with can’t hold water to save his life. Meaning he told me everything that dude told him, and subsequently his man card was revoked for life.
The point of this exercise is that no man wants to buy the cow when he can get the milk for free. And I could have had him if I had opened my mouth and said something, and if I had made him wait just a little while to get the panties. I never really brought up the subject, because shortly after our first session he made it abundantly clear that he wasn’t looking for anyone at that time. I know what that means, I can read between the lines. Translation He didn’t want me. Ok fine. But it wasn’t really fine. I wanted more than just fucking. As a matter of fact, I had just gotten out of a rotten “just fucking” relationship (ooo it was completely horrid, but that’s another blog for another day) and I told him that. But I was willing to have some of him, rather than none and I put up with the “just fucking.” Eventually, I got to this place in my life, where I thought that I didn’t want a relationship, and that I could handle just fucking.
I honestly believed that.
Yeah I can be like a guy and have sex with whomever I want, whenever. Except it doesn’t work like that for women. And to tell you the truth I don’t even think it works like that for men either. I think they can just hide it better. You can do it for only so long before that shit catches up with you.
But back to the story. Like I said we talked today on yahoo messenger and I sent him the link to the pictures from my mother’s wedding. He mentioned that my mom doesn’t look anything like how he pictured her in his head. I asked what do you mean like that. Basically, he thought my mom would be like some butch woman, because I am such a tomboy. This led to an entire side conversation where we discussed men’s expectations of how a woman should look. Which led to a converstaion about his expectations, which then led to me asking “is the reason that we never progressed past fuck buddies, because I don’t get acrylic nails, and get my hair done all the time, essentially not meeting your needs for beauty?” Apparently, no. A. I am not what he was looking for, B. he didn’t think that I was interested in a relationship, and C. we are different people.
I then proceeded to tell him that I actually wanted a relationship very much, and he said “that’s news to me!” I thought that I was being very clear about things. But I guess not. Looking back on it, we probably would not have lasted as long as our fuck buddy relationship did, because I am super brash and he is actually pretty sensitive. Like sometimes he can be a bitch!!! But damn, it would have been nice to at least try. I’d rather try something and get a no, than not try and still have a no. Either way, I get a no, but at least I gave it some effort and I would not have had to wonder.
But it doesn’t matter anyways. I’m leaving Gainesville, in 24 short days. And I really do not plan on coming back, except to graduate.
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