reprise

verb

repeat an earlier theme of a composition

There are actually several interesting definitions of the word reprise. Most boil down to two ideas, a tax, and a repetition in a body of work.

I choose the second general definition as the theme of today’s post.

Although this blog is not a true composition, it can be thought of as a body of work that is strewn together on a semi-regular basis by me. Therefore, today’s post is a reprise of yesterday’s post.

This will be a short reprise, because I said alot in yesterday’s post. I just want to make it clear, that I am not crazy. I have issues, I may even be severely depressed, but there is nothing wrong with me that cannot be fixed.

Knowing you have a problem is the first step to getting it resolved. The next step is actually getting some help.

Maybe I said too much in the last post. That is the most that anyone has ever heard about my problems, ever. Oh people think they have heard it, but I like to think that I only let people see certain sides of me, and hide the super abnormal sides.

That’s all I wanted you to know.

Sleep well.

Oh  and before I go, one admin note, I will pledge one normal post once a week, and random mini posts whenever they strike my fancy!

i should be asleep but I’m not!

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I guess therapy will be the name of the game for today!

Dealing with Big Red has opened up a Pandora’s box of emotions that I thought I had banished to the sea of forgetfulness. And reading ak-47s post today on therapy homework and thatames’ post on self esteem issues just did not help the situation.

I still don’t really want to completely talk about Big Red here because I am still trying to sort out that entire situation and frankly I’m ashamed of myself for what I’ve done. And I don’t want to lie on this blog, so until I am completely ready to discuss it, just know that I effed up royally and I am dealing with it. I started to tell ak some of the story but I really cannot bring myself to tell her the entire story. Because no matter how many times she tells me that she won’t judge me, or that she won’t think bad of me I cannot believe her. And its nothing against her, its just that hell I wouldn’t reserve judgment on a chick myself if she did the same thing and keeps doing it over and over and over again.

I digress.

Those posts got me thinking about how the way I view myself changes from day to day, even from minute to minute at times, and how these views are generally discordant with society’s views of me.  I struggle with the issues that Ak expounded upon in her in her post (not feeling pretty because I don’t get hit on, feeling invisible to men, the friend box, and always having to deal with men’s insensitivity-nah we cool but hook me up with your friend issh) and to some extent I have dealt with thatames issues as well (dealing with society’s scorn because I refuse to be a wall flower because I am big! although I react differently than she does-I tell ppl to kick rocks if they don’t like me for me). But for the most part, I am rather oblivious to what people say and think about me. I walk around in this bubble scrutinizing myself, or feeling so damn happy that nothing could stop me in my tracks and burst my bubble. But then there are times when I am so low that I just cannot stand to look at myself in the mirror or even get dressed in the morning and leave. Sometimes I ride this rollercoaster daily. And I like to think that for the most part I have hidden these issues from mostly everybody. Even the people (r. weezy, ak-47, fay-fay, taydizzle and nikki) do not really know the full extent of my issues. For the most part they know that I am heavily flawed but they just do not know how deep the cracks go. And although I would like them to know, it is not fair to burden other people with my issues. These people have issues of their own, and their own lives, that would be wrong to tell them all of my issues and make them worry about me and take precious time from their own lives to think about me.

Thatames’ post touched upon how society thinks that a bigger woman should not be seen in public spaces (nightclubs, bars etc) because they are not “physically acceptable” For the most part, I either do not pick up on these feelings or I completely disregard them. And the few times that someone has tried to make me feel like shit because I decided that I am just as beautiful (if not more) than the “physically acceptable” chick, I made them feel very small. Very small indeed.

Trust me I have some issues. Not to say that other people don’t have deeper or more issues than I do. But I don’t know them, so for the most part their issues don’t really mean much to me. I really would like to see a shrink because sometimes the burdens get to be so much that no matter how I try I cannot see the sunshine behind the clouds. Even though I try to all the time. I hate for people to see me when I’m bad, because when I’m bad its bad. I don’t bathe (me not bathing is the biggest clue, because I am extremely big on personal hygiene, like scary big on hygiene), I don’t leave the house, I sleep for days at a time, I alternate between overeating and not eating at all, and I just generally don’t care about myself. In the past these episodes would only occur once every other year or so. But lately (ever since undergraduate school) they have been occurring more frequently. Now they happen like once a month or so.

This is bad.

This is scary.

And I don’t know what to do about it. Its like staring down the barrel of a gun, or teetering on the edge of a whirlpool. Most of the times I’m able to look away or pull back just in the nick of time. But lately I’ve been having more and more of these episodes.

Each one is worst than the last.

I am afraid.

However, I have found out that JTB’s insurance will keep me on until December. So the first thing that I will do Monday morning is to go seek out a headshrinker. Because, quite frankly, I just cannot be held responsible for the next episode. I don’t know when it will hit, or how bad it will be. I think part of the problem is that I am isolated. When I am accessible to people, they can always come over and be like “hey come hang out.” Which is what happened during spring break. I had a particularly horrible episode and AK pulled me out of it by calling me to hang out.

These episodes have also cost me numerous friendships. But really if you notice that a vibrant, socially outgoing person has disappeared for several days, shouldn’t some bells go off? And another thing, 40% of the time, I’m forcing the vibrantness! I don’t wanna be around you, hell I don’t even like you. But I don’t want you to see how effed u I am!

I’m tired of living my life like this. I’m tired of missing out on life because of these episodes. There are blank spots in my life, because I either drank too much and was blacking out (umm this was around 16) or I slept my way through life. I hate that.

it is really weird the things that would set me off. one would think it would be a super sad event or something of that ilk. But they really do just come out of nowhere.

I’m not telling you this because I want pity. I’m telling you this because this is my life. And in some way or other I try to let people know that I am broken and that I would rather them accept me completely or walk away before I become too invested in them. Because I can’t deal with adding heartbreak to that equation. (This has also led me to pushing people away before they can push me away. I tried to do it with Taydizzle, Ak and R. Weezy but thems is some stubborn sums of bitches!!!).

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p.s. you pushed for a post and now you got it! haha

seriously though?!

no way the design of this slide could be a mistake. this was done on purpose

ewwwwww I’m sorry a year is pushing it for breastfeeding. this should be considered abuse. its 4 minutes long but trust me its worth it. this lady is really letting her children ask for breastfeeding.

makes me SMH

remember, “no monkey business”

“the incumbent is regularly required to use hands to finger, handle, or feel objects, tools, or controls”

*Today’s post title comes courtesy of the Missisippi Department of Transportation.Apparently a job applicant must have these qualities in addition to those necessary to file paperwork, prepare research, and talk to people. Today’s post is a random smattering of transportation issues.

I wanna be a transportation planner don’t know what I want

I think that I might want to get into transportation/transit planning. However, that means that I would have to go back to school to become a transportation engineer. I think that I have the wrong idea about transportation planning though. It seems like this highly glamorous, exciting, fast paced job. I wanna be a planner who travels around the country giving my expertise on planning issues (whether its transportation, emergency, or comprehensive planning) while looking ravishingly fashionable.

That’s not the planning world.

Even though there are consultants who stay fresh to death (fashion wise), the average planner is beaten, broken down, cynical, and chained to a desk 8 hours a day and could care less about how he/she looks. I don’t wanna be like that. I can’t be like that. I love fashion. I love getting dressed up. I love getting my hair done. All of it.

Planning is also a highly political job, which is another reason why a lot of planners are very upset at the world and there is a high turnover rate. You could have the best plan for your city/are in the world, but if the mayor/city council doesn’t think that it aligns with their political plans it could be scraped. This leads to a lot of cynical planners. You also have to think about what the citizens want. Remember that old adage “you can’t make everybody happy, and you will die trying,” well that’s basically my profession. But the passion and fire for planning burns deep down within my soul.

I also know a lot of bored, boring, bland planners. I am not that way AT ALL!!! I am very outgoing, vibrant, and I have an awesomely bright smile. (modesty called…) but I do and I just do not fit in with a lot of those planners. Until liquor is invited to the party. It is a shame, but planners are a bunch of alcoholics. Most likely because their professional expertise is constantly disregarded by people who don’t know what they are talking about and who have no planning education at all.

Which brings me back to why I wanna be a transportation planner. What they say is law! And that is because transportation departments (DOT’s) are funded by federal dollars. But, the positions that are being offered by DOT’s are for transportation engineers. True transportation planners are generally transportation engineers who have a planning education/background. Which means that I will most likely have to go back to school to become a transportation planner.

This is generally what happens. The DOT sends its head transportation engineer (HTE) to a meeting with the city’s director of planning. They talk about what needs to be done in the city transportation-wise. HTE gives blessing, or recommendations to change the plan to meet federal standards, and that’s about it. There really isn’t a transportation department within the planning department. Its all does this plan meet the federal standards? Yes, than push it forward. No, then make it happen.

Contraflow?! that could have been ALL me!

The Highway Trust Fund will be broke by Oct. 1st

And apparently the feds are looking at a STATE program for guidance. Um why is the Federal government looking to Oregon for guidance? Isn’t that supposed to be the other way around?

“the House approved a bill that would infuse $8 billion into a trust fund that helps pay for America’s highways, staving off its insolvency and averting layoffs of construction workers and delays of vital transit projects. The bailout was necessary, and Congress acted with justified speed. Though the $8 billion patch will add to the national debt, we’re relieved that the Bush administration withdrew its shortsighted plan to transfer money from the mass transit account. Doing so would have imperiled the development of public transportation when many people are driving less for the first time in nearly 30 years. Still, the bailout is a temporary remedy that will keep the fund afloat for a year at most if projections hold. Congress needs to search for new sources of transportation funding or risk a similar crisis next fall.”

This spells t.r.o.u.b.l.e. for Americans

1. Transportation projects are financed by gas taxes. People are driving less, opting for gas efficient cars, and generally searching for alternatives to driving, this means that raising the gas tax to balance this deficit will be a moot point, which means that transportation projects will either be under or not funded at all.
2. Mass transit is a shoddy alternative to driving, and it was made that way intentionally. Car makers pressured the feds to underfund transit so that it wouldn’t compete with cars. Americans got used to super low gas prices for decades. Now that gas prices have finally reached their true level (what they should have been forever) Americans are not poised to deal with them and are searching for alternatives. Since transit in many places across the nation is nonexistent and/or woefully inadequate major problems are going to occur very shortly.
3. Road infrastructure and driving in generally was heavily subsidized in the beginning so that we don’t really know the true price of constructing roads, paying for gas, and driving, which means that we are not going to be prepared for the sticker shock that will come when we have to start paying full price for these implements
4. Save for few places, alternative infrastructure for alternative modes of transportation do not exist, which means that it will really hard to institute them now. Really hard, and really costly.
5. A good portion of our economy is funded by transportation projects. Not as much as housing, but still a good enough chunk that if transportation projects stopped overnight we would feel the hurt
6. Politicians are being dicks and are standing in the way to construct a high speed passenger rail line that would connect miami to orlando, and then orlando to tampa. Another example of how people want alternative modes of transportation but politicians are squabling about petty shit.

I don’t know what to say

Boca Burger has stepped its game UP!!! OMG I had the best boca burger today, and it hit the spot. I have been craving a cheeseburger and this was more than sufficent.

::deeply satiated sigh::

I am back to wearing the wig for the next week. I had two strand twists for one week but I couldn’t deal with not washing my hair. So I took em down, and when I go back home, I will get a professional to get my hair done properly and then I will be able to wash my hair/braids without fearing slipping braids.

Big Red is no longer apart of my landscape. Don’t wanna talk about it.

I need nail polish to last longer than 2 days.

I need R. Kelly to stop being full of shit. I’m watching his interview on BET and I cannot believe that he sat there and said all of this bs with a straight face.

I got an interview with the County of Saint Louis. W00! Update will follow on the status of the interview.

“just some random tidbits, don’t you just love the word tidbit, tid, tid, tid, tid”

today’s title comes from Scrubs. The episode with the crazy EMT driver who drove Dr. Cox nuts!

1. Today’s postsecret scared me. specifically the ones about bulimia, and the strong woman one. ooo too close for comfort. I go between binging and not eating. Nots a good look. But I have been better because I want to lose weight so I’m forcing myself to eat 2000 calories a day. What is it about control with me? I butcher, color my hair because its mine, I’m a vegetarian and only eat every blue moon because I can control that. Why don’t I put this need for control to constructive use? Gah
2. the one about the star athlete being gay made me start to wonder. Why is it always the star athlete who is gay and in the closet? I thought that was some sort of cliche’ hmm I guess not. But what is it about being an athlete and being gay that just goes together perfectly? And not just any athlete, the star?!
3. I need a personal assistant to handle all of my job hunting responsibilities. I’m really not in the mood for all of this. The biggest thing I hate about the job hunt, is that I hate trying to prove myself on paper. Its also hard for me to apply for certain jobs because of the level of responsibility that job holds. The following is really weird so try to follow, I can only manage people and work responsibly if I know that I have full control over the situation, i.e. there is no one else to contradict what I say. You only get to that level by working your way up the ladder, which means there will be plenty o people to contradict what you say at all times. When that happens I just fall back and let whatever happens happen.
4. I also need a personal hairstylist, and a hell for that matter a personal stylist. But I need all of these people to work for free!
5. I wanna be a suicide girl. Not what you think! Check out the link, NSFW.  Which is odd, because I’m super anal about my public online profile, but I’d be willing to take artful, naked shots and post em on teh internets.
6. Why do I keep getting hooked on blogs right before they go defunct? ugh

That is all for now. Going back to searching for jobs!

I’m not gay…

But JTB really thinks that I am! And all for superficial reasons.

1. I have gay friends (I’m not going to stop being someone’s friend because they bat for the other team!!! That’s kind of what rascists do)
2. I’m constantly cutting my hair off (which is bull because I like it short AND I like it long. Plus its a control thing)
3. I believe in gay marriage (hey who am I tell someone that they can’t get married! that’s what slave owners did to slaves. Plus I’m not God)
4. I don’t regularly carry a purse, and I want to carry a money clip (apparently that is what butch women do and I shouldn’t give people that perception)
5. I have never brought a man over to the house and I’ve only had one “real” relationship as far as she knows (well I’m sorry mom I don’t want you to know how much of a whore I am so I keep all of my liaisons to myself. Plus I’m not gonna introduce a man who I’m only kucfing to you!!! That’s serious bf territory-meeting the fam! Plus Baby Bro and other male fam members think I’m still 15 and try to intimidate any male that I bring to the house)

What brings all of this up? Well last night, me and JTB had a convo about homosexuality. Well actually it started out as her joking about feeling some chick’s leg up. I knew she was bullshitting so I was like do you.

JTB: guess what I’m doing

ME: what?

JTB: I’m feeling up some chick’s leg

ME: Suuuurrre you are

JTB: you wouldn’t get upset if your ma turned out gay

ME: nope, not my buisness

JTB: Oh my goodness, I can’t believe that you wouldn’t try to pray for me to get those spirits off of me and read the bible to me

ME: Ma, I’m not that type of person. In fact I hate “christians” who are like that. Whatever you do is between you God and whoever you do it with. Plus I believe that type of “evaginlizing” actually turns people away from God.

JTB: well if I ever did come down with that I want you pray it out of me

Me: MAAA

JTB: I’m serious…you’re not gay are you?

ME: MA!!! Trust me, I am NOT gay. I likey the menfolk too much to be gay. But what would you do if I were? Would you disown me?

JTB: yup, that mes is a spirit and I wouldn’t want it to jump on me.

ME:…ma you cannot be serious. You would disown either me or jr. your only children if we turned out gay? I cannot believe that, that’s cold blooded.

Sometimes I wish I were gay just to make her eat her words!

I should feel really good about myself today. But I don’t.

I have stuck to my exercise schedule for this week. With only minimum modifications. Instead of 30 minutes of cardio on Monday, I had 30 minutes of cardio on Tuesday, and then I resumed the regular schedule on Wednesday, and today for extra measure I did 20 minutes of yoga. The yoga session was not as mentally refreshing as it normally is. Today felt like I was just going through the motions. There were some brief moments where I completely let go and relaxed everything, and I could feel my the cleansing of my soul. But for the most part, only my body got worked in this session. That has never happened to me. I always feel completely refreshed and renewed after yoga.

I haven’t gorged myself on everything that isn’t bolted down. I even made cupcakes today around noon and I still have a full dozen. Not one has been consumed by me. Normally, I would have eaten 3 or 4 by now.

I applied for 3 jobs within the last 24 hours. One of em was even a job with qualifications that are a tad higher than the ones I possess.

So why did JTB call me last night and ask me if something was wrong? Apparently, I sounded super depressed. But I’m not. I just don’t feel like myself. I really hope that I am not depressed because that would prevent me from going to the PeaceCorps if I am selected (which I did apply for today). Why is the PeaceCorps application so loooooooooong!? Jeeze louise. I really spent hours working on that damn thing. On a related note I checked out my health insurance benefits, I can recieve up to 30 days per year of mental health assistance. Which is a good thing, if JTB’s insurance wasn’t going to drop me like a bad habit on October 2nd. I don’t even want to start something that mentally draining, and then not be able to finish it. That’s so not the coolest.

I’m still celibate, even though I had an encounter with Big Red…don’t really want to talk about that right now. Maybe, I’ll discuss it in a few days. But I suspect that might have something to do with it. Even though I know its a fling, and I really don’t have feelings for him, I wonder why I can’t find someone who looks like him? Don’t need his character traits (because there are 2 that are really horrible, but I won’t discuss em right now). But he has the looks of the perfect man, in my eyes. 6′4″ 250lbs former linebacker. What am I doing wrong? On a semi-related note, I need crazy stalker guy to lose my number. The rational side of me is telling me to just tell him that I am not interested and that he is gay* and to kick rocks. But the non-assertive bitch side of me, is saying to keep ignoring his calls and he will get the hint. I don’t like that. I hate when people treat me like shit just because they are not interested. But what can I do?

I’m not even going to sign this post

*On the first “date” (if you can even call it that) with crazy stalker guy, I asked him if there was anything that I should know about him. He says, and I quote “I’m not gay!!!” Plus he wants to move to San Francisco. Normally San Fran would not make me raise an eyebrow, but that in combo with the not gay comment, and the fact that I just don’t feel right about him, makes me wary. Thank god I never showed him where I lived, or worked. I’d prolly be dead by now. Or chained up in his attic as a sex slave. Either way, nots a good look!

The break with subway is officially complete!!!

I am so mad at them right now. How could they do this ($5 holla) to me?

At first, I was the one wrong in this relationship. I gave up meat. So I basically told subway to kick rocks with open toe shoes. That was my bad.

But then, they started serving veggie patties. And I was like “oh baby I’m so sorry. please forgive me, I’ll come back” That is until I actually ingested on of those things. Omg it sat in my tummy like a rock for 2 days. I am NOT cool with that. But I still was not mad at Subway. At least they were trying to woo me back.

But the $5 dolla holla?! Really sir?! I think this ad campaign is Subway’s way of telling me that my money will no longer be required in their stores.

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Old habits die hard or why I really need thearpy

I’m slipping back into my old habits of not eating. I know why I’m not eating, and I know that not eating is counterproductive to weight loss, but I just cannot break this habit.

I feel guilty about eating when I exercise, eating almost feels like defeating the purpose. There is no middle ground with me. Either I overeat and don’t exercise, or I go overboard with the exercise and don’t eat.

I am trying my hardest not to slip back into this pattern. And i was doing so well for 2 weeks. But today. Not so much. I didn’t even try to not eat. I just looked up and realized that it was 3pm and I hadn’t eaten yet. I had some coffee and tea, but no actual food. It almost feels like I am outside of my body watching myself engage in these self destructive behaviors. And I’m yelling at myself not to do it, but I go on anyways.

I need therapy.

However, this might be hard to obtain right now, as my JTB’s insurance is like days away from dropping me. We are trying to figure out if I can obtain a ryder policy or something, but its looking like a no. This is very bad for me, because I am staring down returning to JTB’s house. Have you ever heard the saying “don’t go somewhere you know is bad for you?” well I know JTB’s house is bad for me. Because I will become super stressed and frustruated, and I know for a fact that I will not eat while I am at her house. But, if I somehow can get into some therapy, this might be avoided, as a therapist could help me figure out some coping mechanisms and I won’t fall back into those bad habits.

Dang.

signed

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