“My last affair” Billie Holiday

Did I mention that I have always adored, idolized, loved, admired (insert any other words of praise and adulation here) Lady Day? I can remember the very first time I heard her music. I was eight, and watching The Affair

Quick plot synopsis:

A black soldier in World War II England begins an affair with a white woman whose husband is a soldier currently overseas in battle and in doubts of her relationship with him as she discovered he had been having an affair with his secretary.

During one of the love scenes “Strange Fruit” plays in the background. It was here at eight years old that I started my love affair with Billie Holiday.

This version is actual rare footage of Lady Day singing live. I love the footage of her, but I’m not crazy about this recording version.

This version is my favorite recording of this song, but no actual footage, just a picture of Lady Day mid note.

Wait, what was I doing watching a racy movie like The Affair at eight years old? I know I was advanced for my age but that’s a little much! Anyways, that movie and the song “My last affair” by Billie Holiday are both very apropos for today’s topic.

At first I did not want to talk about Big Red. I was not mentally ready to deal with that subject. Now I no longer view him as a sexual object because he is about 3.5 hours away from me, which means that I don’t have a snowball’s chance in hell of ever seeing him again and/or effing him. Getting him out of my system means that I can talk about that situation without feeling hurt and cast off. There was also another incident shortly after him that helped me realize just what the happen-haps really was, and helped me get over all of that real quick. Now that I am no longer in the midst of the craziness I can discuss it.

Lloyd was my last affair. I just did not realize it until now. The last time I had chex, was with Lloyd, in July. I have not had sexual relations with any man in three and a half months. This is not the longest that I have gone without, the longest was almost 11 months (in retrospect I should have waited out the entire year, but I was about to kill myself because I was so horny. That may be tmi for some of you all, but I felt like my world was caving in! This time, not so much).

So anyways, how was Lloyd my last affair if there was Big Red, and then after him fat boy (who was a blast from the past). Well, although I was extremely physically attracted to Big Red, so much so that it scared me how much I was attracted to that man; and he claims that he was attracted to me, we never had sex. Neither did I have sex with fat boy (a little more on that later). Turns out, Big Red is married, has been for 10 years, and has three children (two live with him and his wife, and the third with his baby mama).

Tell me why that didn’t faze me?! I take that back, I didn’t know that the first time we tried to bump uglies. The second time I did, and it didn’t faze me.

I met Big Red several weeks before we ever really talked. The first time I ever saw him was at an office wide meeting. Although he worked on the other side of the building he had to attend the meeting as well. I never talked to him, I just saw him from a distance, mentally undressed him for about 30 seconds and kept going about my business. The second time I “met” Big Red was at a “Patriot Day” potluck on 9/11. I’m not even going to talk about the Patriot Day business, that is a whole nother can o worms. Well, anyways, we were taking a group picture, Big Red just had to stand next to me, and apparently we weren’t close enough for the photographer’s liking. So she told us “yall need to get closer” so he put his arms around me in a kind of bear hug around my waist and said “see we are close”. I was all like “heeyyyy” on the inside but I still didn’t say anything outloud, because I didn’t want to get people all up in my bidnass! It wasn’t until after the potluck, when he was in my office talking to another guy about some project where the heavy flirting came into play. It was ridiculous how hard we were flirting! I mean like seriously. But I still, didn’t try to make a move. Because I had heard something about him being committed, and I was like mmm not gonna mess with that. The next day, I came back to the office to have lunch with someone else, and I saw him and he made his move. He was all like “let me get your address and phone number, and I’ll swing by sometime.” So I said to myself, this man cannot be married and/or committed trying to holla at me like this. Oh sweet naivte, I really though that a man would not try to holla at another woman if he was married?! I must have been on some good crack.

So I gave up the digits. Why does any of this matter? Well all of this has direct bearing on why I felt like shit about the entire situation, and why I think that Lloyd was my last affair. He came over, and we had the most amazing makeout session ever. Let’s just say, Big Red knows his way around the female body. But then when it came time for the feature presentation, ole boy couldn’t perform! Like all that shit he was talking and he couldn’t make it work.

I.was.so.up.set!

Me: Umm is that it? We not gonna ya know…

Him: I got some problems going on right now, I’m sorry I can’t do this right now.

I felt like shit, and I got all super paranoid. I started thinking that maybe he was into it at first and then he lost his attraction to me when he saw my clothes off!!! So, I just told him it was ok, whatever, I wasn’t mad (he asked me if I was. And I was, but really can you really be mad at someone at a time like this). As far as I was concerned it was over for me. But he called/texted me the next day, and came over again  the day after that. THE SAME FUCKING THING HAPPENED!!! But the difference was, he dropped the bombshell that he is married, and that he loves his wife and he thinks that he has some sort of “mental block” going on or something!

I was pissed! Twice in a row, he couldn’t get it up…but I still did not think anything of it.

Him: I really love my wife

Me: If you really love her, then why are you here?

Him: I do, but she just has a very low sex drive, and when I saw that you were into me I thought why not?

::sigh:: is that all I am? a “why not?”

After all of this went down, I still did not come to the conclusion that I would never have sex again. It wasn’t until after Fat Boy, whom I have been fucking on and off for 3 years (basically whenever I come back to the 561 I would get me some if I wasn’t boning someone else). This man let me come into his house, liquored up, and all revved up for sex. He knows how ignant I get when I drank! He also revved my engine and didn’t put out. I cursed him the fuck out! I prolly would have cursed big red out as well, if i were inebriated. I turn into a “pitbull in a skirt with lipstick” when I’m drunk. And this was about two weeks or so after Big Red. That made me think. Because Fat Boy has never seriously turned me down! Well, at least not when he is in front of me. As long as I was around him I could make that happen, so to speak. This time he showed his natural ass.

So, I’m not dumb. I put two and two together. God does not want me to have sex right now. When you have two different men either turn you down or refuse you back to back, something is going on. I feel like I’m untouchable right about now. The only thing that I could think of is that something is wrong with me and not them. I hope lloyd thoroughly enjoyed that last time, because it was my last affair, for probably a long while.

Its for the better?

Right?

[initials]

stolen!

a gentleman’s c posted a lovely post about how the english are trying to rid their language of 24 unused words the post rocked so hard because she used every single one of those words to explain this issue. Which kind of helps because the english have said that unless they find 6 high quality citations used before a certain time frame, then the words have got to go!

Now I don’t think of my blog as high quality in any sense of the phrase, however I will post a short fiction story using each word in a little bit!

Stay tuned!

[initials]

anticipation

I cannot wait for the Prez debate tonight!

Hopefully I can have something to say about the content and not just poke fun at the candidates. like the post chucklefest 2008 (aka VP debate). The candidates were spouting canned, trite, responses and I just didn’t have any intelligent responses to it.

So here is to hoping that I can post an intelligent response!

[crosses fingers]

[initials]

Chucklefest 2008 (aka VP debate)

I really, really, really want to discuss in detail the VP debate but I won’t. I mean I want to have an intelligent discussion about how Sarah Palin is the epitome of what every woman who started the feminist movement was against, how Joe Biden is a sorry, disrespectful so and so, and how both of the “candidates” kept addressing the questions to Gwen as if the debate was specifically for her benefit and not the American public’s.

I won’t. Because:

1. The debate has been discussed to death in the blogosphere, and by the media pundits.
2. The debate was too intelligent for the people who really need to be persuaded about the presidential election. Rather, “Aw Shucks Joe’s” responses to the questions were too intelligent for the people who needed to be persuaded. Beauty Queen Palin was right on target for persuading the people who really don’t want to vote for Obama. She was so rehearsed.
3. I would have to find some clips to give you visual evidence to back up my claims. Frankly, I am too lazy to do that.
4. I have discussed it to death with my friends, family, and on facebook through my status updates.

So instead of providing an in depth analysis of the content of the debate, and my opinions on it. I will poke fun at the candidates. Because, really does it matter? People (who are voting anyways) have already made their minds up about who they will vote for, and no amount of pandering to the people will change their minds. The debates are only fodder to a. make your choice that much more concrete, b. give you more information about the “candidate’s” platforms thereby giving you a glimpse of their political style, and c. provide great entertainment.

Joe Biden:

1. Laughed openly at Palin’s canned replies, and although I know that is par for the course for politicians, you don’t have to appear canned. That is the difference between a true politician and someone playing pretend
2. was extremely disrespectful for laughing openly at Palin’s responses. Yeah she was out of her league, but don’t they teach good sportsmanship somewhere in politician school? And yes it was hilarious, but get a hold of yourself man!
3. apparently choked up, almost cried when he mentioned his child in the national guard. First holla at me when your child is on the front lines in Iraq, Afghanistan, Iran, not the national guard. Plus, I don’t wanna see a man cry. I know that is super sexist of me but I hate to see men cry, for that matter I really hate to see anyone cry, male or female. Keep that shit bottled up like the rest of us.
4. was well prepared by his handler’s and one can tell that he must have done debate at some point in his life or he is an excellent orator! He was just spiting that fire. I was thoroughly impressed because I’ve seen some footage of him raw and uncut, and whoo I need him never, ever, ever go off script.
5. actually made sense 65% of the time
6. wears self-tanner/bronzer! Any man that has the balls to wear self-tanner/bronzer AND makeup is alright in my book!
7. needs to learn how to control his sighing/frustration. yes we all know that Palin is a tool of teh man, and that she is only doing as she is told, but don’t sigh in frustration out loud. Learn to control that shit. You made yourself look bad, and lost some of the little respect that I have for you.
8. knocked that one question about what a VP should do out. of. the. park. that’s what’s up.

Sarah Palin:

1. Took women back 100 years
2. Is way out of her league, really this one is aimed at her handler’s they really should have given her more coaching and/or debate lessons. It was like a newborn kitten being thrown to ravenous, unsocialized pitbulls. Very painful at times indeed.
3. Why are you effing winking at the camera during a debate?! I understand trying to keep the mood lighthearted but damn, that was really lame, you looked like you were one step away from twirling your hair and popping your gum, and just plain unprofessional.
4. Sends shout outs in the middle of a sentence, see #3
5. makes lame segways that don’t really work. Learn to be a politician if you are going to be a big dog, at least learn the mannerisms.
6. Don’t dress sexxy unless you can back it up with intelligence. It is ok to dress sexy as woman ONLY if you can open your mouth and coherently string together two sentences. Otherwise you look like a bimbo, and you fulfil the stereotype that women are airheads who should stay in the kitchen barefoot and pregnant. I really cannot stress this point enough. We already have to contend with men constantly undressing us simply because we are women, and unconsciously (sometimes consciously and verbally) contesting our prowess and intelligence without dressing sexy. You, wearing a tight suit that hugs all of your curves only fulfils that stereotype. However, if you can back up your intelligence, you almost proved/earned your right to dress sexxy/nicely. Because you are not just a piece of meat. No matter what people say, we (women) are not considered equal to men (in their eyes). We will always have to fight them tooth and nail, no matter what. That is just the way of the world.
7. only talked about her “expertise” on energy (seriously, you’ve been governor for 18 months, how much expertise can you really gain in 18 months save for a major catastrophe related to energy?! and if there was a major catastrophe we would have heard of her hence making her known to the free world), something that was rehashed from McCain, and/or spewed drivel! I need you to stay on topic. And I understand that, that’s what politicians are famous for, but they avoid questions in a way that makes you wonder twenty minutes later “did s/he answer the question? eh it doesn’t even matter s/he was so charismatic!”
8. wears waaaaaaaaaaay too much blush and doesn’t know how to apply it!
9. needs to lay off the tanning bed. I know I let Biden slide on that one, but I can do that.
10. has the worst accent EVER! I know I can’t talk because I sound like Minnie Mouse on helium with a southern/white girl/boughetto accent, but I can because that’s just how I roll.

Gwen Ifill-I don’t really have much to say about her. Except that I need her to update her hairstyle (shallow I know), and she was on point with the questions (although they were most likely written and contributed by others). But my girl is a member of the intelligenstia! Afrobella heavilly quoted Ifill and here is a part of it:

Gwen addressed that with CNN as well: “I‘m in great demand — everyone wants to talk to me — but I’m not speaking for the whole race,” Ifill said. “My job is to be a reporter. I cannot be the great interpreter. It’s not my job to be on someone else’s air telling them what black people think.”.”

Ifill told Kurtz that as Obama accepted his party’s nomination for president, a white television reporter asked her: “Aren’t you just blown away by all of this?” She said she was not.

Kurtz also points out that “on one level, Ifill says, she views this moment as the daughter of a black minister who marched in civil rights demonstrations and who she wishes were alive to see what Obama has achieved.”

Ifill told Kurtz, “I still don’t know if he’ll be a good president. I’m still capable of looking at his pros and cons in a political sense.” Besides, Ifill says, “no one’s ever assumed a white reporter can’t cover a white candidate

All in all, that debate was highly entertaining and saddening at the same time. It was funnier than any comedy I’ve seen in a long time. Yet, is this what we have to look forward to in political realm? I shudder to think of any of these candidates in office.

signed,

a highly amused [initials]

P.S. my puppy snores!!!! totally unrelated yet so cute!

“would you like some nuts with that?” i totally wish that I could take credit for that title but, that came from the consumerist basically some dude (a flight attendant) kept sexually harrasing some chick. showing her nudie pics and making strong sexual advances. man they were so strong they were past advances, my boy was like take that take that, you gonna take this d got damnit!!! totes awesome.

now on to better things.

I went over plan by 148 minutes. My bill for this month is now $132. FUCK I really don’t have that kind of scratch. where am i gonna come up with that.

i booked a flight to STL for $204, hotel for $84, rental car for $32 (btw the car was $10/day how sweet is that!!!) all i need now is a suit. I love the suits over at Lane Bryant, however the prices are just not in line with the quality of the suits. $89 for a suit jacket, $44 for the shirt, and $54 for the pants. the pants aren’t lined. But that shirt is sooooo gorgeous. and that color looks fantastic on me. I really wanna purchase this suit for the interview…I would make a splash!!! I’m awesome to begin with, but with the suit, I’ll go into the stratosphere and they would have no choice to hire me on the spot. On the same note, I cannot live with my mother. This can’t happen. Nope, no how, no way.

why are the shows on disney and/nickelodeon that are targeted towards 9-13 year old children so frigging focused on relationships!? I’m watching some made for tv nickelodeon movie with my 8 year old female cousin (which vaguely reminds me of lifetime for children smh) and the show is sooooooooooooooo focused on romantic relationships. Its something to do with halloween town or something like that. I am kind of getting pulled into it. It is a little more involved its all about revenge and sabotage and whatnot. The main chick just got tricked into giving this warlock some power and he did it by showing her a little romantic interest. She fell all over herself. Typical of women. Hate that about us, but its happened to me a trillion times, and I’ve seen it happen to every single woman I’ve known.

Dang. I really don’t remember all of this when I was that age. However I really am old as dirt so my memory cannot be trusted.

why do people think that having multiple users on the wireless internets messes up the wireless?

lots of news! which is the only reason that I can even dare come crawling back to yall after such a long absence.

1. I was invited to St. Louis for a second interview. This time in person!!! I am such a shining star when it comes to face to face interactions. [modesty called, as r. weezy would say] I am so excited. I am going to purchase a new suit AND a new pair of stiletto [pumps in the club/we rocking stilettos/we rocking stilettos] I really need to have more faith in God. Because I was shaking in my boots and super worried that I would not get another interview. It does suck however that they cannot fly me out there for the interview. However, I am going to try and negotiate a signing bonus or something of that nature. Cuz times is hard and ninjas aint got no money in the bank!
2. September 28th was my baby brother’s twenty fourth birthday. Time really does fly. It seems like just yesterday we were little kids fighting and running around the streets of the Raw (riviera beach that is). I kind of felt bad, because this one girl who I have known since middle school (and baby bro for that matter) invited me out to this bar. At first I wasn’t going to go but she pretty much begged me. That’s not why I feel bad, I feel guilty because it was baby brother’s birthday and I didn’t even think to ask him if he wanted to come. But he saw me getting dressed and he asked me where I was going. I told him, and he said “why you didn’t ask me if I wanted to go ninja?!” Truthfully I didn’t think he would want to hang out with my friends. But he ended up coming out and let me tell you what. ALL the 2520s in the damn bar fell in love with him. Not because he is a lovable person (even though he is) they thought he was the coolest thing smoking because he is black. I hate when yts do that shit. Love me for who I am, not for my skin color. Nevertheless we are supposed to be going out on the water Sunday on Tom’s boat (one of the guy’s who was out that night). He damn near begged me to bring my brother with me.
3. Cleaning is my outlet for the craziness. That’s a good and a bad thing. It’s good because I have a coping mechanism of sorts. Its bad because, I use it as an avoidance tactic. I never truly address my feelings. when I clean, I super clean. I move shit, dust, mop, scrub on my hands and knees, rearrange the laundry room. Anything that is mind numbing, yet mind absorbing at the same time I will do. Mind absorbing means that its a task that isn’t rocket science but you need to give it your full attention to accomplish it properly. I also think that the cooking is another outlet as well. I will cook up a storm and then not eat any of it. That happened in Nantucket, Gainesville, and in Port Charlotte. Whenever I feel like I cannot deal/cope with something I either clean, cook, and now that I think about it sleep.
4. Why am I really up at quarter to five writing, when I was drinking all night long? I came in the house at 10:30pm, talked on the phone with lloyd for about 2 hours, ate, fell asleep for another 2 hours, and then just could not go back to sleep. So I decided to at least be productive and clean something.
5. I do not like JTB’s husband. AT ALL! Let me take that back, I don’t like how she is so worried on keeping him happy that she is willing to alienate us from her. Maybe I am wrong, but I feel like you shouldn’t push me away to make him happy. Something just doesn’t seem right about that. Prime example, there are 4 cars for one driveway. JTB and HIM leave around 7am every morning. She drives a sporty red mustang, and understandably does not want to park it close to the street at all. I drive a shitty jalopy. I’m cool with that. What I am not cool with, is JTB bitching at me because I “parked in his parking spot” today around noon when he came home from lunch. OH MY GOD BIG FUCKING DEAL!!! He couldn’t park close to the street for ONE FUCKING HOUR??? I was running around town all day long trying to find a job and running errands for you (JTB) and you bitch at me over a fucking parking spot? Man. And then let’s add insult to injury. Let’s only cook for him. Wait I have a better one, let’s only purchase food for this [expletive] (I’m so angry I can’t even think of an appropriate curseword to adequately express myself!!!) when you have two other people living in the house with you. ARRGH!!! And no wonder I’ve only eaten three real meals in the past 3 days. I think I have lost 5 pounds since I’ve come back. Which I’m not even going to count because they were lost due to stress, and they will come back just as soon as I leave here.
6. I need to not get caught up with lloyd. He wants me to come to gainesville to see him. However I JUST went up there, and I made a special effort to see this ninja and he didn’t pull through! Why can’t he come visit me? Oh wait, he has his son for the weekend!!! Ninja hire a fucking baby sitter. Its not like you haven’t done it before
7. You know what’s really hilarious, I wasn’t angry when I started this post but now I am livid and I feel like I am sinning somehow by being angry. Gah
8. I hate the fact that everyone thinks I’m sooooo gorgeous when I wear that fucking wig. I cannot wait until my hair grows back. After this I won’t ever cut my hair again, and I will not ever wear a wig again. I fucking hate people.

signed

an angry woman