really sir?

somehow i hurt my the 3rd finger of my left hand. i went to a doctor today. let’s examine why im upset.

dr. is 24 miles away. i had to leave work.
setup appointment for 12:30pm, wasnt seen until 1:50pm…had to take xrays. dr couldnt figure it out. so he is referring me to a hand surgeon. there are only 4 in my area, and they only work in wpb 2x a month. aaaand they are booked.

my hand hurts. on a scale of 1 (no pain) to 10 (death) im at a 6.5. im nausous and it hurts. i cannot stress enough how badly it hurts

typical day?!?

some people have asked me what a typical day looks like for me. short answer, there is no typical day.

long answer today’s schedule:

meeting with executive director 8:30 (pushed back till 9 lasted 20 minutes)
finish drafting document for boss 9:30-10:30
meeting with prospective redevelopment client 10:30-11:30 (has not happened yet)
research land trusts and draft report 11:45-till
lunch???
meeting with e.d. and sign company re potential signs for new property late afternoon sometime??
bid process opens at noon
more research late afternoon till 5pm
chat/email/text throughout the day
run my mouth with bossman, e.d. throughout day as well

Misogyny

::SIGH::

Sigh i tell you. Lately I have found that I thoroughly enjoy those crazy rap and lately “r&b” songs that completely and thoroughly degrade women and their experiences. 

I am a 25 year old professional, educated, aware woman. So please someone tell me why I not only listen to, but love and enjoy these “songs” if you can call them that…

 

The following have enjoyed heavy rotation in my mp3 player lately…

“Play” David Banner-the entire song is about women masturbating for his enjoyment

“Wait, the whisper song” Ying Yang Twins-song consists of telling women how they are going to sex them up so good. Excerpt 

                      And they say a closed mouth dont get fed

                      So i dont mind asking for your head

                      You heard what i said, we need to make our way to the bed
                      And you can start usin’ yo head
                      You like to fuck, have yo legs open all in da butt…

                      Ay bitch! wait til you see my dick

                       Wait til you see my dick
                      Ay bitch! wait til you see my dick
                      Imma beat dat pussy up
                     Ay bitch! wait til you see my dick
                     Wait you see my dick
                     Ay bitch! wait til you see my dick
                      Imma beat dat pussy up 

                    Like B-AM, B-AM, B-AM, B-AM, B-AM,
                    B-AM, B-AM, B-AM, B-AM, B-AM, B-AM,
                    B-AM, B-AM, B-AM, B-AM, B-AM

“Put it in yo mouth” Akinele entire song I shit you not is about women sucking his dick and being happy to have the chance to do so

“Girls Gone Wild” Ludacris-self explanatory

I luv your girl-The Dream (i love his voice, the way he vocalizes as well as the actual song)

and there are many more.

Another thing that gets me, is that these songs are actually helping me stay on track with exercising and eating right, albeit in a misguided way. I think about the girls they are targeting and how they look and I know deep inside I want to look pretty like that and be attractive. However, I don’t want the disrespectful attraction that these songs are espousing. 

What’s wrong with me?

 

p.s. i think i might have examined this in a previous post but I’m rather lazy at the moment and don’t feel like looking for it.

struggle, worry, indecision

I am trying to find ways to meet new people. No not boyfriends, or potential spouses but friends. 

I don’t have any friends in palm beach county. I shit you not. I had to cut all of my other friends off. Long story short, they were dick heads and they treated me as if they were allowing me the pleasure of their company. Um no.  So let’s just say that I cut off my cell phone without warning them, and I didn’t give out the new number. For all they know, I fell off the face of the planet.Except that one of them works for the parent agency of my job, and could easily call my office and be like um wtf?!

Anyhoosers. The point of this exercise is that, although those friendships were unhealthy, they did provide an outlet from JTB and teh fam. That is until said friends started acting ignant. Por ejemplo, I introduced friends from high school who were still in wpb with thamar. They hang out now WITHOUT ME! I feel hurt. I have heard from both sets of friends that they don’t like the other set, but obvs they were able to agree on the fact that they like each other’s company more than they like  mine!

So back to the main idea of this post. I need new friends. JTB has been haranguing me to join eharmony or chemistry or any other internet dating site to find a mate. Missage of teh pointage. I need to find friends and hang out with them and foster healthy friendships before I try to find a mate. I would not only drive myself even more insane if i enter a realtionship without the foundation of what healthy friendships look like, but I will cause him to gouge his eyes out with a blunt object, while convincing my mother that I am extra crazy by boring her with how he aggravates me.

whew. mouthful.

Plus I don’t want to fall back into any of the unhealthy “sleeping with a guy as a way to break the ice/show him i like him/hope that he likes me back by screwing me” habits.

I like being celibate. Wait let me clear that up, I like the clairty of mind that comes from not sleeping with random guys. And quite frankly I am not ready to give that up anymore for random sex. Sure good orgasims rock, but after the orgasim fades, and you are left alone for the night, its all for naught. I’m tired of that emptyness.  (Which is also part of the reason why I have not taken any of these old, married men up on their offers of random chex. Old Initials would have been ALL.OVER.THAT with a quickness thinking “oh my goodnes he is showing me attention/affection i feel.so.loved. New stick o dynamite tells these fools to kick rocks and go back to their wives!!!)

So loooooooong story short. I am attempting to find new friends. Its hard to meet people outside of structured events such as church, school and/or work. Work is a no go because Bossman is just that my boss, but I can tell he is trying to open up and be my friend. But I’m still holding on to my brick wall because let’s face it, a. im crazy, b . i get idioitic when I drink and c. i don’t want ANYTHING that happens outside of work to affect what happens at work. Its easier said than done to say that won’t occur. And i don’t want to take any risks with my job. Church is full of old women and young children. I shit you not! Plus again I don’t feel comfortable hanging out with church goers. I generally find two categories of people the unforgiving, all believing believer. Who doesn’t stop to think things through for themselves, and they believe everything the religion tells them without a shadow of a doubt and the heathens. I’m kinda in the heathen category. Hard to make friends with holyrollers like that. And then school. At school I was a star. Notice the was. I am no longer in school. the people I have befriended are still there. School is almost 300 miles away. hmm wtf?

 

So what’s a girl to do? Any suggestions? I’m trying to find a volleyball club but that’s just one activity. I’m drawing blanks and I need some help.

 

dynamite.

don’t judge me!

i hope that jtb hasnt found this blog! that would suck out loud!
but i overheard her bitching jr out today about not paying bills when i do…i JUST put that on the blog yesterday.

hmm if you can read this jtb…nothing here can be held against me! if you have any questions feel free to ask but don’t judge me!

(just in case)

don’t judge me!

i hope that jtb hasnt found this blog! that would suck out loud!
but i overheard her bitching jr out today about not paying bills when i do…i JUST put that on the blog yesterday.

hmm if you can read this jtb…nothing here can be held against me! if you have any questions feel free to ask but don’t judge me!

(just in case)

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