i’m back up in this bish

• Dear rain, I am attempting a new hair regimen that involves twisting my hair once a week,  rocking a twist out for AT LEAST 2 days (maybe 3 if i i’m lucky) and rocking a high afro puff. You are messing up the rotation! I twisted sunday night, and i only got one day of twist out hair. boo to you sir, boo to you.
• brown rice salad weight watchers version rocks my socks. cream cheese brownies not so much. buttermilk biscuits needs more butter and less baking soda. also my biscuits did not rise that gave me sad face. 
• for some strange reason i woke up at 3am and had the dreaded “midnight snack” this.never.happens.to.me. I blew 10 weekly points. sigh
• lost 11 pounds gained 7 back
• i feel like im floating aimlessly in life
• i learned how to play poker
• i have a space heater at work and it has changed my life. changed it i say
• i have nixed all -cones from my life once and for all and my hair is amazing!!! i was using suave coc0nut naturals which has a low end -cone towards the end of the ingredient list. and i thought i was being slick and outsmarting it because i was adding baking soda to the condish. nope. i finally copped some kiss my face conditioner to replace suave. and my hair, my hair son rocks out loud. now the product actually penetrates my hair versus sitting on top of it! love! so new regimen cowash kiss my face, bs rinse, acv rinse, aubrey organics detangle 2nd condish rinse out. rinse blot hair then style.
• i still need to twist my hair and dust the ends. and since i have to actually restyle i might do it tonight. hmm don’t know
• the washing machine is still broken and i really hate going to the laundry mat which means i have 3 weeks worth of clothes piled up
• i take 10 minutes a day to remind myself of what im grateful for. pretty cool exercise and things are not allowed on the list
• i read about 58-60 blogs a day

all for now

 

[initials]

i want to be in love re: Love by Mos Def

I talked to Dude today.

Normally our conversations do not make for good blog fodder. But today’s did. First I must tell you a little bit about Dude. He has a special place in my heart. Well not in that “omg I so love him” kinda way, but I definitely could not imagine the last 3 years without him.We have messed around off and on since we met. He is different from the other guys I have known (in that biblical sense), because, we are actually as close to friends as fuck buddies can be. We talk several times a day and for hours on end about everything. He makes me laugh, we have a lot in common, he is actually intelligent and oh my word can he put it down in bed. Essentially the perfect guy. O I almost forgot to mention that he is 6′4″ 270lbs. Just how I like em big and cuddly. There are some things that need to be ironed out but for the most part, he works.

This still doesn’t even make our conversation today extra special. Lately, I’ve been perusing this dating blog that comes from the perspective of two brothers, appropriately titled verysmartbrothas.com. Catchy title, plus the men there are always spot on with their perspectives. One post in particular caught my eye and made lots of sense to me, Brotha’s Gonna Work It Out. Especially the idea that men want women to wait, and sometimes can eventually find love through ass. That hit me hard.

Back to dude and our convo today. Like I said we have been fucking on and off for almost 3 years now. And it originally didn’t start out as a fuck buddy arrangement, but I gave the draws up too soon. Like I won’t even tell you how soon, lest you think of me as a [insert derogatory female phrase here]. I know that he originally wanted more, because I made him jump through hoops, and basically wade through hell to get next to me in the first place. Plus the person who hooked us up, to begin with can’t hold water to save his life. Meaning he told me everything that dude told him, and subsequently his man card was revoked for life.

The point of this exercise is that no man wants to buy the cow when he can get the milk for free. And I could have had him if I had opened my mouth and said something, and if I had made him wait just a little while to get the panties. I never really brought up the subject, because shortly after our first session he made it abundantly clear that he wasn’t looking for anyone at that time. I know what that means, I can read between the lines. Translation He didn’t want me. Ok fine. But it wasn’t really fine. I wanted more than just fucking. As a matter of fact, I had just gotten out of a rotten “just fucking” relationship (ooo it was completely horrid, but that’s another blog for another day) and I told him that. But I was willing to have some of him, rather than none and I put up with the “just fucking.” Eventually, I got to this place in my life, where I thought that I didn’t want a relationship, and that I could handle just fucking.

I honestly believed that.

Yeah I can be like a guy and have sex with whomever I want, whenever. Except it doesn’t work like that for women. And to tell you the truth I don’t even think it works like that for men either. I think they can just hide it better. You can do it for only so long before that shit catches up with you.

But back to the story. Like I said we talked today on yahoo messenger and I sent him the link to the pictures from my mother’s wedding. He mentioned that my mom doesn’t look anything like how he pictured her in his head. I asked what do you mean like that. Basically, he thought my mom would be like some butch woman, because I am such a tomboy. This led to an entire side conversation where we discussed men’s expectations of how a woman should look. Which led to a converstaion about his expectations, which then led to me asking “is the reason that we never progressed past fuck buddies, because I don’t get acrylic nails, and get my hair done all the time, essentially not meeting your needs for beauty?” Apparently, no. A. I am not what he was looking for, B. he didn’t think that I was interested in a relationship, and C. we are different people.

I then proceeded to tell him that I actually wanted a relationship very much, and he said “that’s news to me!” I thought that I was being very clear about things. But I guess not. Looking back on it, we probably would not have lasted as long as our fuck buddy relationship did, because I am super brash and he is actually pretty sensitive. Like sometimes he can be a bitch!!! But damn, it would have been nice to at least try. I’d rather try something and get a no, than not try and still have a no. Either way, I get a no, but at least I gave it some effort and I would not have had to wonder.

But it doesn’t matter anyways. I’m leaving Gainesville, in 24 short days. And I really do not plan on coming back, except to graduate.

[INITIALS]

life just keeps spinning and turning on itself

Drama must be my new name.

It just follows me around.

Gah.

But strangely enough I’m not freaking out about it like I normally do.

In a previous post, Cuz that’s just how I do I said that my life needed to change. Yet that post was written in anger, and was very, very, very, like did I say very, negative. But nonetheless, things have changed and for the most part the changes have been better.

I finished my thesis revisions. Yay. I thought that I would want to jump up and down for joy, and/or shout from the mountaintops. Instead, I felt very numb. Sometimes I don’t get me. After very emotionally charged episodes, or when I should feel emotions I don’t. This is one example, meeting my father for the first time in 22 years is another, and I could go on. But I won’t. Anyways, I did promise myself that I would buy a treat. It was the only thing that kept me going. I am going to purchase Guitar Hero III: Legends of Rock as my gift to myself. I’ve wanted this game for about 6 months now. I rented it several months ago and me, ak, and her daughter played it, and I absolutely fell in love. I wanted to buy it so badly, but yeah about that. It’s $90 and I just could not justify the expense. Now, I can buy it with a clean conscience. You think that would be enough to satiate the capitalist in me, but nope, not me. Now I want to purchase Dance Dance Revoluioton Mario Mix. I definitely could not justify buying both of those at the same time, and I have to buy GH3 because that’s what I promised myself in the begining. At first I was bummed when I realized that, then I realized, I still have graduation to look forward to. So if my adviser approves my thesis comments, I will purchase Mario Mix as another reward.

Speaking of this lady is tripping. Here is proof of her trippage, in her own words:

Dear [redacted name]

I got your document. On the morning of the 14th I can return the
hardcopy to you with comments. If you’d like comments before July 14th,
please send me an electronic version (although I cannot be precise about
a date when I’ll have comments back to you).

[Total sidenote, I looooove redacting things]

Mind you, the deadline to submit your thesis to the graduate school to graduate this summer is the 16th. Umm why is she waiting till 2 days before the deadline to give me back my comments. I gave my thesis to her on July 3rd as per our agreement for her to review.

WTF???!!!!!????!!!????!!!???!!??!?!?!?!?!?!

Why is she doing this to me? It DOES NOT take 11 days to read 90 pages. Especially when its the summer and you do not have any pressing matters to attend to, because you only work 9 months out of the entire year!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I really do not understand this woman. But I am not going to worry about it, I did my part, I am going to continue to pray about this issue and leave it in God’s hands. He can’t do his part, if I take it back from him (taking it back is worrying about it).

And then another frienenmy is acting up again.

Long story short this one girl has a penchant for giving people the silent treatment and ignoring me. The first time it was because she was breaking up with her husband. That’s straight I understand that, I don’t wanna get caught up in shit like that. Then I was facebooking her and whatnot for like an entire year. I FINALLY got a response a few months back. We started talking again, but I felt hurt, and I was being distant. I sent her this message:

i’ve been distant and i’ll tell you why. I had some sort of idea about why you disappeared but I did not know everything. The few bits and pieces that I heard were second hand and I pretty much assumed that they were gossip. Gossipers are funny, because they only tell part of a story. I refused to buy into it. I wanted to hear your side of the story. And you did not want to talk about it and I refused to pry. With that being said I knew that things were not right and that for some reason you believed that I was the person going around town telling your story to anyone who would listen. I gathered that much from the facebook message you sent me. But I really did not want to believe that you would simply assume the worst of me without attempting to get all of the facts (especially considering the fact that you knew I really could care less for your ex-in laws). That hurt. And I just did not know how to deal with that, and you coming back like nothing had happened.
I don’t want to lose our friendship, and now I think that I am ready to rebuild it. I am not trying to stir up the pot, I just felt that I needed to get this off of my chest and that we need to talk so that we can properly resume our friendship.

I will talk to you later,

If I’m wrong “amerricua” (read it like how Bernie Mac says it) let me know and I’ll apologize. I have NO problem apologizing.

Then she started getting weird on me again!!! I facebooked her yesterday and I got this message today:

Her: You said something to me that showed me that I could not trust you.

Me: I’m sorry [redacted] but you have some really “interesting” views on friendship.
First YOU not ME effectively ended our friendship. without the common courtesy to tell me that something was wrong. that means that you didn’t want to give me a chance to try to fix it.

Then you try to come back into my life as if nothing had happened. as if the months of ignoring me and the silent treatment was ok.
That hurt. And what hurts even more, is that you continue to treat me like shit. Who threw your baby shower, who was with you at the wedding rehearsal, who spent time and money helping you throw the reception. Me. And I did it happily because I was your friend. Unlike other people who talk about you like you aren’t nothing. That’s not my style. I really liked you and thought that you were (and I still think that you are) a good person. But getting upset at me for actually being a friend is extremely irrational and not cool. Please just tell me, how is telling my friend that I need more time, telling them something that you cannot trust? That’s what friends do. And I am sorry that you do not understand that.
Then when I try to tell you how i feel, and that I need time for our friendship to get back to where it used to be, you decide to ignore me yet again.
I understand that you are angry at the world.Hell I would be too, but you are angry at the wrong people. I HAVE DONE NOTHING, AND I REPEAT NOTHING to you, except be a friend. Friends tell each other what is wrong, which is what i expect, nay demand from my friends.
I hope and pray that my friends trust me enough, and value our friendship enough to tell me that they don’t feel comfortable with our friendship and that it needs work. Not only did i do that, but I told you that I was being flaky, and I told you why, AND THEN I APOLOGIZED FOR IT. I did nothing wrong and I stand by it.

Seriously though. What you are doing is not what’s up. Just do me a favor, don’t do this to any of your other friends, learn to open up and listen to people and not get offended when they tell you how they feel.

But how about this, I will respect the fact that you no longer want to be my friend (because I am NOT going to BEG anyone to like me and/or be my friend).

I wish you nothing but the best in the world.

Like I said, if I’m wrong let me know.

I just don’t understand why all of this bad karma is coming my way. I’m generally a good person, and I try to be good to everybody. So why, why am I having to deal with all this.?

I just need to focus on the good and brush the bad dirt off my shoulder.

<sigh> at least I got my thesis done! w00!

updated: the chick unfriended me on facebook. wow so mature, versus talking things out.

irritating like a grain of sand in an oyster’s craw

Just a few things that I’ve noticed that get into my cerebellum and eat away at my sanity

1. Movies that are extra long for no good reason. This has bothered me for quite some time, I noticed it around 2002-03. Movies went from an average of 90 minutes to about 200. No kidding. Nowadays I go to a movie and blank out around the 100th minute. It seems like directors are competing for the longest movie, especially when it comes to the whole “uncut and uncensored” thing. Isn’t that the point of Rated R movies? Somethings just need to be left out. For example take Kill Bill, this was a decent movie (if I ignore how the first person to die was the black woman, how the white woman was somehow better at martial arts than the ninjas, and so on) but the fight scene with the Crazy 88 was just extremely too long. Due to its incredibly long scenes this movie makes a good backdrop for studying. Why? I can concentrate on writing for about 15 minutes at a time and still not miss anything important because a scene would be about 20 minutes of the same thing. What I am really trying to say is that a lot of directors are using time instead of great story telling. If your story is soundly written, you don’t need a lot of time, unless that is just the nature of the story.
2. The blatant racism of the media pundits. I happened to watch the news a few weeks ago where they seriously discussed whether Barack Obama gave Hillary Clinton the finger. Wow. What kind of slow news day was that? Where was Brittney? At least she actually does something crazy shit that can be discussed, whereas this was complete speculation. The pundits never do stuff like this with the other candidates. Or how about how they actually discussed his dietary eating habits. Umm I could care less about what this man eats!!!
3. Stupid people. I don’t even have to explain this one.
4. How people don’t realize that suburban sprawl has a direct correlation to the amount of gas you use. If you didn’t live so far away from your job the ridiculous gas prices really wouldn’t bother you.
5. On that same note, how public transit is not a viable alternative to driving in 90% of the cities that need them. For example, I live in Gainesville, Fl, my car does not run. Normally that doesn’t bother me, except that all the buses I need stop running at 7pm during the summer, and I can’t effing afford cab fare.
6. The lack of shade in Florida. On paper walking in some cities is a viable alternative to driving, yet when it is 80 some odd degrees at 9:00am and the sun is already in the high noon position, you are turned off from walking unless there is shade around.
7. Cab drivers
8. When I procrastinate
9. When I can’t find the remote
10. my fucking biological clock! i can’t turn it off and its so annoying
11. making an ass of myself and not being able to rectify the situation, but continuing to try and only making the situation worse

Now I’m not going to be all down and negative today. There are some things that make me inexplicably happy.

1. Nice long walks in the shade.
2. Great music. Billie Holliday, Anita Baker, B.B. King, Jimi Hendrix are just some examples
3. Great food.
4. Great company.
5. Drinking and karaoke. I looove to make an ass out of myself
6. The beach
7. A great tan sans tan lines
8. Flowers. My favorites are tulips, sunflowers, and daisies
9. Massages
10. Children’s laughter
11. Meeting Gator Grads in the most unlikely places
12. Bruce Willis. His movie parts, his voice, his body. woo that is one white guy who could get it
13. Men with raspy voices, husky builds, who are tall. wow Hell let’s just put men down.
14. Sin City and movies like it
15. children’s cartoons the stupider the better i.e. spongebob squarepants

That’s all for now. I’m actually supposed to be doing some work.

So let me know what are some of your dislikes/likes.

cuz that’s just how i do

I feel like Peter from Office Space, which is an excellent, extremely accurate, and hilarious movie (check it out sometime). Quick synopsis for those who have never seen this movie (have you been living under a rock?): Peter’s life sucks, his bosses (he has 8 of them) constantly ride his ass, his girlfriend is a cheating bitch, he pretty much has no life outside of work, and he is miserable. Well about 20 minutes into the movie Peter has an epiphany and changes his whole life, starting with work. Namely he just stops showing up, which is what I did today, I didn’t call or email or anything. I just turned my alarm clock off, rolled back over and went to sleep. I don’t even feel the slightest bit upset about it.

I should but I don’t.

Maybe this is the start of some grand new journey for me, and my life will change for the better like Peter’s. Maybe I’ll be like the phoenix and rise again out of my ashes…I don’t know. But I do know that I need things to change around here, and like fast.

I may be spiraling out of controll

1. I keep playing with my money, so now I’m short for July’s rent…and I kinda don’t care about how I am going to rectify that situation
2. I haven’t revised my thesis at all and it’s due in 13 days. July makes 3 months that I had to work on it, umm I just don’t give a fuck.
3. All of a sudden now that everybody else is free, they want me to be free too and they get mad at me when I refuse to hang out with them (I do it mainly to be an asshole). So I’m supposed to drop everything now that you have time for me? Umm no, sorry it doesn’t work like that.

I cannot wait until I leave Gainesville in a month and a half. I get to start all over. A lot of people might (or might not) be surprised and hurt when they never hear from me again, but those are the breaks. That is a completely narcissistic comment, but that’s who I am. Love me or leave me. I do this every time I make a new change in my life, I start from scratch and leave the things in my past in the past.

I think the new iteration of me will be an asshole. I’ve always wanted to do whatever and say whatever I felt like. No matter who was hurt. Yeah I think I like that.

creative zen vision:m media player

*updated 5/27/08 turns out that my sync cord wasn’t drawing enough power for my player, so I had to purchase the charger. but guess what? wally world had the charger for $18!!! talk about undercutting the competition! so all is right with the mp3 player front. I still love creative but they suck when it comes to thinking about the customer. next time I purchase any big ticket item I will definitely purchase the insurance plan*

creative you suck!

$200 to fix my mp3 player that stopped charging through no fault of my own? especially when you all don’t sell this product anymore! damn that’s messed up.

so unless the charger works (which is another $40 and is not included with the player) I will be stuck with an expensive paperweight, that only lasted one year!!! BTW I actually had to use the warranty a few months back to replace it already. So shouldn’t I have gotten a warranty on that repair?

seriously? not cool

Ugh

This is for every black person who has said that Bill Clinton was the closest thing we have ever gotten to. Those people are idiots. Bill Clinton cares about black people as much as he cares about a squirrel fart in the wind.

If you don’t believe me just look at the tactics he has resorted to during this political race. First off he isn’t even running for president, he is using his “star power” to boost up his wife, second he keeps saying crazy things like this <http://politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com/2008/04/22/bill-clinton-obama-camp-played-the-race-card-on-me/>

which are only serving to hurt his wife, and third just take a look at his presidential record. Almost every bill he signed had some sort of devastating impact upon black people. Just because he moved to Harlem, had an illicit affair and lied about it, and made an appearance on the Arsenio Hall show does not make him black.

it seems like my life is broken record

“Sigh“

I am so stressed right now that I cannot even believe it. I am more stressed than when I was in Nantucket and 8 people hated and simultaneously ignored me for a few weeks. I might seem like an independent person, but when 8 people whom you work, live, eat and (supposedly) play with ignore and leave you out of festivities it takes a toll on you mentally. Now its my committee who is ignoring me and skull raping me.

Who is this committee you might ask? This panel of three people include my chair, co-chair (why do I have a co-chair when I didn’t want one) and a reader. And how are they ignoring me? Well my chair won’t return my emails, or return my thesis draft to me (she’s had it for 3 weeks including spring break). I am also not getting the support I need from my chair. I have a sneaking suspicion that she is trying to force me to graduate next fall (because she doesn’t think I’m ready). No way jose! My co-chair had my draft for 2 weeks, but only devoted 6 hours to reading my draft, and the majority of her comments focused on grammar and formatting issues. Umm FUCK grammar right now! I could care less about grammar, until I have my thoughts straight. I really don’t have any issues with my third committee member, she is actually cooperating. I guess the first two are giving me enough problems. Oh I almost forgot to mention that my co-chair is talking about me to other professors in my department, and then those people are talking to STUDENTS ABOUT ME!!! Let me repeat that: a professor is telling a colleague (who has no say in my graduation at all) that she thinks that I do not have the stones to finish my thesis (paraphrased), and then that colleague told one of my good departmental buddies what a said to b. Granted I am taking this with a grain of salt, but I’ve heard from other sources the same thing. Seriously? Did I miss something? Or was that completely unprofessional?

<Inhale> <Exhale><Inhale><Exhale>

And how is this stress taking its toll on me?

1. I can’t sleep. When I lay down at night, I worry about my thesis. I am constantly writing and revising in my head, but when I try to actually write I’m so anxious it all goes out the window. Add to everything that I am a perfectionist. Which means I’ll prefer to not do something, then try and fail. Because at least I know for a fact that I don’t have to worry about the perfection of the work, if it doesn’t exist.
2. My heart is constantly racing.
3. My stomach is in knots. It feels like a gigantic boulder took up residence at the pit of my stomach, blocking everything. This is what happened in Nantucket, I didn’t eat properly for a month; miraculously I didn’t lose any weight. I have seen it over and over again in the movies, and in books and what not, that when a person gets super stressed, they start losing weight, their hair loses its luster and/or falls out, their skin looks sallow and what not. None of that is happening to me (nor do I want it to), except for the stomach thing. Last week I purchased Vegan With A Vengeance by Isa Moskowitz phenomenal cookbook, even if you aren’t vegan (which I’m not). And I made my menu for this week, and then I went to the grocery store to procure all of the needed ingredients. I was so excited. I could not wait for today to come. I planned the breakfast meals for today, tomorrow and Wednesday’s and I was just so ready to cook and consume my goodies. There were going to be Breakfast Burritos (with eggs scrambled with scallions, swiss, tomato, mushrooms, and bell peppers), a glass of orange juice, and a cup of coffee (with almond milk and 2 tablespoons of sugar). I went to bed last night around midnight, and I tossed and turned until 1am or so. And I woke up at 8:20am 10 minutes before my alarm went off. Breakfast was out of the question. My stomach forbade it. Well at least the breakfast I planned. I knew I had to eat something, or I would die of starvation later during the day (see snackys are my savior post). So I forced down a cup of cereal and some almond milk, oj, and a banana. But not the coffee. Which let me know that I was not feeling well. I LOVE coffee! If I could marry it, I would. Hyperbole I know but you get my point.
4. My brother is acting like an idiot. I got a cell phone for him in my name, and he got upset with me today because I asked him if he was making payments on it? Hello that’s my credit not yours.
5. My frienmeies are acting up again. One girl yelled at me because I decided not to come home for spring break and gasp I dared not to call her and inform her of my change of plans. So I hung up on her. No one talks to me like that. O no! She’s mad at me now. I’m mad at the audacity of her! My other so called friend, “forgot” to pick me up for a function, which he volunteered to squire me to. You can’t forget someone, if they call you 4 times! And when he confronted me about it, I told him that I wasn’t mad at him (which was a lie, but I refused to yell at someone about some b.s. like that) but I refused to get in the car with him. This is the same frienemy that thinks we should only do what he wants and go where he wants to.
6. I am flat broke. And I was invited out for Saint Patrick’s Day with some cool people from the department (well at least when they want to be). But no, can’t go because no dineros in el banco. Oh and I had to cancel on Carrabas with another good friend. That devastated me. I love that place.
7. I had an anxiety dream a few days ago about moving back home. On one hand moving back home would allow me to pay back my student loans quicker (no rent), on the other hand I will have to move back into a room, and have to deal with my mom, her new husband, my brother and my little cousin. All of this after years of living alone. Although Christmas Break wasn’t too bad (until I cursed my brother out like a dirty dog).

Right now I feel like life has taken a huge dump down my throat. And I thought I could hide my feelings, apparently such is not the case. One of my department friends saw me this morning, and asked me if I needed a hug. I looked super sad, is what she said. So she invited me out to lunch, and I was getting ready to cancel on her, because I am broke (see number 6), but God was looking out for me and she spotted me for lunch.

I am trying to look on the bright side of things. Because I did get a good internship for the summer. I will be working in Charlotte County. Expanding my planning expertise. I got to talk to my mom today. First time in a long time too where I didn’t call her to beg for money (I feel like such an ass when I do that).

Frankly I am tired of this. It feels like I have been living the same nightmare for the few months. Something has to give.