Friendship, smhrindship

I am tired of halfway friendships. I am tired of people dismissing my feelings, and who I am because of the choices I made. I have never done that to others so I cannot understand why this is happening to me now. For example, (and I know I am going to catch some flack for this but I don’t care) I noticed that two of my “friends” have become super distant and don’t respond to me as often as they used to. Yet they have ALL the time in the world for our third mutual friend. At first, I didn’t let it get to me, because I was super busy and my mind was occupied, but that feeling was always there gnawing at my spirit. And dude we are supposed to be friends!!! Don’t treat me like that, that’s what I have enemies for. And I brought it up every blue moon, but everyone dismissed me as being overly sensitive. Well come to find out, one of my “friends” thinks that a. I’m always consumed with “single people issues” and b. I’m always angry. To that I say a hearty fuck you!!! Now I’m mad. Because if I would have never pushed the issue with the third friend, I would have never known the truth. And that sucks because I pulled that third friend into the fray, and that was completely unfair (for that I apologize). But its also unfair for me to always feel uncomfortable around these so called friends. No one dismisses your married life issues, and no one accuses you of being overly sensitive. ugh. And don’t add to the fact that every person on the face of the earth, feels that it is their god given right and duty to remind me of my differences, my insecurities, and why I am just generally not as cool as other people every chance I get. If its not my hair, its that I don’t eat meat, or that I’m loud, or that I curse too much, or that I’m ghetto, and on and on and on. OK we get it, I’m different. You don’t like that I’m different. And that’s ok, but stop trying to change me. I’ve been this way for 24 almost 25 years and I’m not going to change. As a matter of fact I like who I am. If you don’t then get bent. Shit. I know one thing, no longer will I remain somewhere that I am uncomfortable. My mom did not raise a fool, I might have forgotten and had to relearn some lessons, but I’m no fool.

And then there is my faux ex husband. He has the audacity to be angry at me because I did what he asked me to!!!

Long story short, he offered me a ride to wally world, but he really wanted me to eat dinner with him and one of his back home friends, I declined dinner but accepted the ride. He has this tendency to try to kidnap people, which is what I think he planned to do. But another friend called me to ask if she could come over to my house, I said yes, give me 30 minutes. He gets this weird expression, but doesn’t say anything. Halfway to wally world he leans over and asks me if I would mind catching the bus back home, I say whatever. I am pissed off to the highest level of pissivity but I don’t say anything lest I embarrass him in front of his friend, not my style. We go to wally world. I finish my transaction and walk out the door. He is right behind me screaming my name, I’m ignoring him while I walk to the bus stop, he pulls up next to me asking me what am I doing, I tell him just what you asked me to, he is trying to front in front of his friend, I repeat what he asked me, I walk away, he parks his car and chases me down, we end up yelling in the middle of the street, I walk away, and he screams out “I feel like a fucking doormat”

Obviously this is the highly condensed readers digest version. I have had similar run ins throughout the last two years with faux husband, because he is inconsiderate, he is very immature, he avoids confrontations, and he has still not come out the closet. All of this combined with my heightened sense of passive aggressiveness, sharp tounge, stubbornness, and my indulgence of his childishness have all come back to bite me on the ass. This was a gigantic blow up and it is still not resolved. But I did try. I sent him an email asking could we come together to talk. Instead of calling or texting, or emailing back to set something up, what does he decide to do? He pops up over at my house 15 minutes before I have to leave to catch the bus to wpb. UGH. And then tonight he messages me, long story short he is like I want to talk before I leave for the summer Monday. Then I say “if talking to me was one of your higher priorities you would not have waited until right before you left town to set it up.” Of course he becomes super indignant and insulted, and says that he doesn’t want to fight. And I say I’m not fighting I’m just stating a fact. He had 14 days from the email that I sent him to set up a time and date. Don’t get mad at me when I have plans (ohmigod no! how could she) the weekend before you are scheduled to leave town, and oh don’t forget I will be gone once you return. Dude whatever. You had plenty of time to talk to me before you left. Get bent.

it seems like my life is broken record

“Sigh“

I am so stressed right now that I cannot even believe it. I am more stressed than when I was in Nantucket and 8 people hated and simultaneously ignored me for a few weeks. I might seem like an independent person, but when 8 people whom you work, live, eat and (supposedly) play with ignore and leave you out of festivities it takes a toll on you mentally. Now its my committee who is ignoring me and skull raping me.

Who is this committee you might ask? This panel of three people include my chair, co-chair (why do I have a co-chair when I didn’t want one) and a reader. And how are they ignoring me? Well my chair won’t return my emails, or return my thesis draft to me (she’s had it for 3 weeks including spring break). I am also not getting the support I need from my chair. I have a sneaking suspicion that she is trying to force me to graduate next fall (because she doesn’t think I’m ready). No way jose! My co-chair had my draft for 2 weeks, but only devoted 6 hours to reading my draft, and the majority of her comments focused on grammar and formatting issues. Umm FUCK grammar right now! I could care less about grammar, until I have my thoughts straight. I really don’t have any issues with my third committee member, she is actually cooperating. I guess the first two are giving me enough problems. Oh I almost forgot to mention that my co-chair is talking about me to other professors in my department, and then those people are talking to STUDENTS ABOUT ME!!! Let me repeat that: a professor is telling a colleague (who has no say in my graduation at all) that she thinks that I do not have the stones to finish my thesis (paraphrased), and then that colleague told one of my good departmental buddies what a said to b. Granted I am taking this with a grain of salt, but I’ve heard from other sources the same thing. Seriously? Did I miss something? Or was that completely unprofessional?

<Inhale> <Exhale><Inhale><Exhale>

And how is this stress taking its toll on me?

1. I can’t sleep. When I lay down at night, I worry about my thesis. I am constantly writing and revising in my head, but when I try to actually write I’m so anxious it all goes out the window. Add to everything that I am a perfectionist. Which means I’ll prefer to not do something, then try and fail. Because at least I know for a fact that I don’t have to worry about the perfection of the work, if it doesn’t exist.
2. My heart is constantly racing.
3. My stomach is in knots. It feels like a gigantic boulder took up residence at the pit of my stomach, blocking everything. This is what happened in Nantucket, I didn’t eat properly for a month; miraculously I didn’t lose any weight. I have seen it over and over again in the movies, and in books and what not, that when a person gets super stressed, they start losing weight, their hair loses its luster and/or falls out, their skin looks sallow and what not. None of that is happening to me (nor do I want it to), except for the stomach thing. Last week I purchased Vegan With A Vengeance by Isa Moskowitz phenomenal cookbook, even if you aren’t vegan (which I’m not). And I made my menu for this week, and then I went to the grocery store to procure all of the needed ingredients. I was so excited. I could not wait for today to come. I planned the breakfast meals for today, tomorrow and Wednesday’s and I was just so ready to cook and consume my goodies. There were going to be Breakfast Burritos (with eggs scrambled with scallions, swiss, tomato, mushrooms, and bell peppers), a glass of orange juice, and a cup of coffee (with almond milk and 2 tablespoons of sugar). I went to bed last night around midnight, and I tossed and turned until 1am or so. And I woke up at 8:20am 10 minutes before my alarm went off. Breakfast was out of the question. My stomach forbade it. Well at least the breakfast I planned. I knew I had to eat something, or I would die of starvation later during the day (see snackys are my savior post). So I forced down a cup of cereal and some almond milk, oj, and a banana. But not the coffee. Which let me know that I was not feeling well. I LOVE coffee! If I could marry it, I would. Hyperbole I know but you get my point.
4. My brother is acting like an idiot. I got a cell phone for him in my name, and he got upset with me today because I asked him if he was making payments on it? Hello that’s my credit not yours.
5. My frienmeies are acting up again. One girl yelled at me because I decided not to come home for spring break and gasp I dared not to call her and inform her of my change of plans. So I hung up on her. No one talks to me like that. O no! She’s mad at me now. I’m mad at the audacity of her! My other so called friend, “forgot” to pick me up for a function, which he volunteered to squire me to. You can’t forget someone, if they call you 4 times! And when he confronted me about it, I told him that I wasn’t mad at him (which was a lie, but I refused to yell at someone about some b.s. like that) but I refused to get in the car with him. This is the same frienemy that thinks we should only do what he wants and go where he wants to.
6. I am flat broke. And I was invited out for Saint Patrick’s Day with some cool people from the department (well at least when they want to be). But no, can’t go because no dineros in el banco. Oh and I had to cancel on Carrabas with another good friend. That devastated me. I love that place.
7. I had an anxiety dream a few days ago about moving back home. On one hand moving back home would allow me to pay back my student loans quicker (no rent), on the other hand I will have to move back into a room, and have to deal with my mom, her new husband, my brother and my little cousin. All of this after years of living alone. Although Christmas Break wasn’t too bad (until I cursed my brother out like a dirty dog).

Right now I feel like life has taken a huge dump down my throat. And I thought I could hide my feelings, apparently such is not the case. One of my department friends saw me this morning, and asked me if I needed a hug. I looked super sad, is what she said. So she invited me out to lunch, and I was getting ready to cancel on her, because I am broke (see number 6), but God was looking out for me and she spotted me for lunch.

I am trying to look on the bright side of things. Because I did get a good internship for the summer. I will be working in Charlotte County. Expanding my planning expertise. I got to talk to my mom today. First time in a long time too where I didn’t call her to beg for money (I feel like such an ass when I do that).

Frankly I am tired of this. It feels like I have been living the same nightmare for the few months. Something has to give.