GET THAT BITCHASSNESS UP OUT YOUR SYSTEM

I peruse several blogs that tell the perspective of teaching/college/education from the professor’s side of the podium. Although, these yarns are quite hilarious, and sometimes informative, I believe that they do not tell the whole side of the story. Many times, the professors gripe about student’s lack of intelligence. Yes there are stupid, stupid, stupid students who not only make it hard for the professors but for other student’s as well, but there are also stupid, stupid, stupid, professors who make it hard for students too.

As a result I will start a new series entitled My Guide to Getting the Bitchassness Up Out of Professors. Actually, if you are a long time reader (or if you go through the archives) you know the bitchassness that I have had to deal with, particularly from one professor. Ugh I shudder just thinking about it. The first installment will probably be posted later today. But in the meantime look through my archives (if you click on the graduate school category all of those posts will pop up) or you can visit the aforementioned blogs:

A Gentleman’s C

Cranky Epistles

Educated and Poor (specifically look at her student insanity series)

What Not To Write

Also feel free to submit any stories and/or emails that detail your run in with professors’ bitchassness

One

on a depressing note…

A graduate student’s body was found dead in Sun Harbor Apartment complex pool early Thursday morning.

One would think that my apartment would notify us about this tragedy somehow. Or at the very, bare minimum close the effing pool, and/or drain the pool. Host a memorial service for the student. Something, gah. This is where he lived for pete’s sake.

Do something!!!

<throws hands up in exasperation>

That just goes to show how nasty, uncaring, coldhearted, the apartment manager is.

I would have not known about this tragedy if my next door neighbor didn’t inform me. And the topic only came up because, she came over to my apartment and happened to see some people swimming in the pool that same day. I have a clearish view of the pool from my living room. Mind you it is 9pmish

This is how the exchange went:

Cool as balls neighbor (CABN): ohmigah I can’t believe they are swimming in the pool.

Me: Why? What’s wrong with that?

CABN: didn’t you hear what happened early this morning?

Me: umm like no

CABN: Girl somebody was found floating in the pool, face down, this morning. I can’t believe the complex hasn’t drained the pool, or posted notices, or closed it

Me: Nuhuh

CABN: Yup, and the police went around banging on people’s door’s to interview them about it. You didn’t hear them.

Me: Girl no, when I’m asleep, I’m asleep

This whole situation disturbs me for two reasons, I heard people swimming in the pool Wenedsday late night, early Thursday morning, and I was doing some late night drunken swimming almost a week to the date that the young man’s body was found in the pool.

I was thesisizing, all this week. This meant that I was working all day, and all night. And I like to leave my sliding glass doors open, to enjoy the summer air. I am not really that big a fan of a.c. Never have and never will. Anyways, that’s besides the point. I heard people swimming in the pool between 1am-2am. And it was kind of aggravating, but not to the point where I wanted to go outside and scream at them. That bothers me. What if me going out there bitching, could have saved that young man’s life. He was 26. About a year older than me. That could have been me.

Which brings me to my next point. I was doing that exact same thing, almost a full week before him. It was me, CABN, her godbrother, his brother, and my homegirl. I was drunk. I mean drunk. Falling down, can barely walk, and barely string two words together coherently drunk. I had no business being in the pool that inebriated, and I knew it. As a matter of fact I thought to myself, “what are you doing out here? you could die at any moment.” But I kept “swimming” anyways, and horseplaying in the pool. And it was really weird and creepy when CABN relayed the story to me. Because not even 5 minutes before it happened, I turned to another friend, a fellow URPER and said “i want to go swimming, but I don’t think so” and I proceeded to relay to her the story about my drunken swim journey.

This whole situation is really bugging me. And I really need my complex to do something about that damn pool.

life just keeps spinning and turning on itself

Drama must be my new name.

It just follows me around.

Gah.

But strangely enough I’m not freaking out about it like I normally do.

In a previous post, Cuz that’s just how I do I said that my life needed to change. Yet that post was written in anger, and was very, very, very, like did I say very, negative. But nonetheless, things have changed and for the most part the changes have been better.

I finished my thesis revisions. Yay. I thought that I would want to jump up and down for joy, and/or shout from the mountaintops. Instead, I felt very numb. Sometimes I don’t get me. After very emotionally charged episodes, or when I should feel emotions I don’t. This is one example, meeting my father for the first time in 22 years is another, and I could go on. But I won’t. Anyways, I did promise myself that I would buy a treat. It was the only thing that kept me going. I am going to purchase Guitar Hero III: Legends of Rock as my gift to myself. I’ve wanted this game for about 6 months now. I rented it several months ago and me, ak, and her daughter played it, and I absolutely fell in love. I wanted to buy it so badly, but yeah about that. It’s $90 and I just could not justify the expense. Now, I can buy it with a clean conscience. You think that would be enough to satiate the capitalist in me, but nope, not me. Now I want to purchase Dance Dance Revoluioton Mario Mix. I definitely could not justify buying both of those at the same time, and I have to buy GH3 because that’s what I promised myself in the begining. At first I was bummed when I realized that, then I realized, I still have graduation to look forward to. So if my adviser approves my thesis comments, I will purchase Mario Mix as another reward.

Speaking of this lady is tripping. Here is proof of her trippage, in her own words:

Dear [redacted name]

I got your document. On the morning of the 14th I can return the
hardcopy to you with comments. If you’d like comments before July 14th,
please send me an electronic version (although I cannot be precise about
a date when I’ll have comments back to you).

[Total sidenote, I looooove redacting things]

Mind you, the deadline to submit your thesis to the graduate school to graduate this summer is the 16th. Umm why is she waiting till 2 days before the deadline to give me back my comments. I gave my thesis to her on July 3rd as per our agreement for her to review.

WTF???!!!!!????!!!????!!!???!!??!?!?!?!?!?!

Why is she doing this to me? It DOES NOT take 11 days to read 90 pages. Especially when its the summer and you do not have any pressing matters to attend to, because you only work 9 months out of the entire year!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I really do not understand this woman. But I am not going to worry about it, I did my part, I am going to continue to pray about this issue and leave it in God’s hands. He can’t do his part, if I take it back from him (taking it back is worrying about it).

And then another frienenmy is acting up again.

Long story short this one girl has a penchant for giving people the silent treatment and ignoring me. The first time it was because she was breaking up with her husband. That’s straight I understand that, I don’t wanna get caught up in shit like that. Then I was facebooking her and whatnot for like an entire year. I FINALLY got a response a few months back. We started talking again, but I felt hurt, and I was being distant. I sent her this message:

i’ve been distant and i’ll tell you why. I had some sort of idea about why you disappeared but I did not know everything. The few bits and pieces that I heard were second hand and I pretty much assumed that they were gossip. Gossipers are funny, because they only tell part of a story. I refused to buy into it. I wanted to hear your side of the story. And you did not want to talk about it and I refused to pry. With that being said I knew that things were not right and that for some reason you believed that I was the person going around town telling your story to anyone who would listen. I gathered that much from the facebook message you sent me. But I really did not want to believe that you would simply assume the worst of me without attempting to get all of the facts (especially considering the fact that you knew I really could care less for your ex-in laws). That hurt. And I just did not know how to deal with that, and you coming back like nothing had happened.
I don’t want to lose our friendship, and now I think that I am ready to rebuild it. I am not trying to stir up the pot, I just felt that I needed to get this off of my chest and that we need to talk so that we can properly resume our friendship.

I will talk to you later,

If I’m wrong “amerricua” (read it like how Bernie Mac says it) let me know and I’ll apologize. I have NO problem apologizing.

Then she started getting weird on me again!!! I facebooked her yesterday and I got this message today:

Her: You said something to me that showed me that I could not trust you.

Me: I’m sorry [redacted] but you have some really “interesting” views on friendship.
First YOU not ME effectively ended our friendship. without the common courtesy to tell me that something was wrong. that means that you didn’t want to give me a chance to try to fix it.

Then you try to come back into my life as if nothing had happened. as if the months of ignoring me and the silent treatment was ok.
That hurt. And what hurts even more, is that you continue to treat me like shit. Who threw your baby shower, who was with you at the wedding rehearsal, who spent time and money helping you throw the reception. Me. And I did it happily because I was your friend. Unlike other people who talk about you like you aren’t nothing. That’s not my style. I really liked you and thought that you were (and I still think that you are) a good person. But getting upset at me for actually being a friend is extremely irrational and not cool. Please just tell me, how is telling my friend that I need more time, telling them something that you cannot trust? That’s what friends do. And I am sorry that you do not understand that.
Then when I try to tell you how i feel, and that I need time for our friendship to get back to where it used to be, you decide to ignore me yet again.
I understand that you are angry at the world.Hell I would be too, but you are angry at the wrong people. I HAVE DONE NOTHING, AND I REPEAT NOTHING to you, except be a friend. Friends tell each other what is wrong, which is what i expect, nay demand from my friends.
I hope and pray that my friends trust me enough, and value our friendship enough to tell me that they don’t feel comfortable with our friendship and that it needs work. Not only did i do that, but I told you that I was being flaky, and I told you why, AND THEN I APOLOGIZED FOR IT. I did nothing wrong and I stand by it.

Seriously though. What you are doing is not what’s up. Just do me a favor, don’t do this to any of your other friends, learn to open up and listen to people and not get offended when they tell you how they feel.

But how about this, I will respect the fact that you no longer want to be my friend (because I am NOT going to BEG anyone to like me and/or be my friend).

I wish you nothing but the best in the world.

Like I said, if I’m wrong let me know.

I just don’t understand why all of this bad karma is coming my way. I’m generally a good person, and I try to be good to everybody. So why, why am I having to deal with all this.?

I just need to focus on the good and brush the bad dirt off my shoulder.

<sigh> at least I got my thesis done! w00!

updated: the chick unfriended me on facebook. wow so mature, versus talking things out.

cuz that’s just how i do

I feel like Peter from Office Space, which is an excellent, extremely accurate, and hilarious movie (check it out sometime). Quick synopsis for those who have never seen this movie (have you been living under a rock?): Peter’s life sucks, his bosses (he has 8 of them) constantly ride his ass, his girlfriend is a cheating bitch, he pretty much has no life outside of work, and he is miserable. Well about 20 minutes into the movie Peter has an epiphany and changes his whole life, starting with work. Namely he just stops showing up, which is what I did today, I didn’t call or email or anything. I just turned my alarm clock off, rolled back over and went to sleep. I don’t even feel the slightest bit upset about it.

I should but I don’t.

Maybe this is the start of some grand new journey for me, and my life will change for the better like Peter’s. Maybe I’ll be like the phoenix and rise again out of my ashes…I don’t know. But I do know that I need things to change around here, and like fast.

I may be spiraling out of controll

1. I keep playing with my money, so now I’m short for July’s rent…and I kinda don’t care about how I am going to rectify that situation
2. I haven’t revised my thesis at all and it’s due in 13 days. July makes 3 months that I had to work on it, umm I just don’t give a fuck.
3. All of a sudden now that everybody else is free, they want me to be free too and they get mad at me when I refuse to hang out with them (I do it mainly to be an asshole). So I’m supposed to drop everything now that you have time for me? Umm no, sorry it doesn’t work like that.

I cannot wait until I leave Gainesville in a month and a half. I get to start all over. A lot of people might (or might not) be surprised and hurt when they never hear from me again, but those are the breaks. That is a completely narcissistic comment, but that’s who I am. Love me or leave me. I do this every time I make a new change in my life, I start from scratch and leave the things in my past in the past.

I think the new iteration of me will be an asshole. I’ve always wanted to do whatever and say whatever I felt like. No matter who was hurt. Yeah I think I like that.

100,000 miles

I been gone for a minute/but I’m back with the jumpoff/goons in the club/case something jumps off… Lil’ Kim “The Jump Off”

I know, I know I disappeared for like forever. But I had good reason. A. my mom got married last weekend and I went home for the week to help out. And I just did not have it in me to update anything. B. I really don’t have anything new to report. Oh I have stuff to talk about, but if I do I run the risk of sounding like a broken record. I hate that. And C. really who could care less.

I am only going to explain the title of my post and that will be it for today.

A journey of 100,000 miles starts with one step. I cannot remember where I heard this, or who said it, but it perfectly explains how I feel about my thesis revisions. My revisions are due to my chair July 3rd for her final approval. After her approval, it has to be submitted to the graduate school July 16th. I have been allotted two, almost three months to revise my thesis. This is an insurmountable task for me. The pages are completely marked up and are completely daunting. If I cannot finish, I give up. <shrugs shoulders> I feel like I don’t care but deep down I really do. I am trying to remind myself that this is a completely doable task, with this quote. It’s not working.

…like a bitch

I totally broke down crying today in my adviser’s office. Like I said, she doesn’t want me to defend next week. She said that my draft is a rough draft and not a final draft. In my defense if you would have read it the first time we wouldn’t be in this predicament!

I started crying over formatting issues!

My adviser asked what happened with the document, why did the formatting get all screwed up. But I know that she was really wondering why I would send her an effed up document without bothering to fix minor details. That is SO not me! I spent hours working on this stupid draft. Nay make that days. And add that I am working with the effing template that is supposed to prevent formatting errors from occurring in the first place. Personally the document makes sense to me. I don’t know what else to do. I can’t make the document better if you don’t fucking read it.

So I am right in the middle of explaining to her that all of my tables keep getting screwed up between her computer and mine, as well as the spacing and I couldn’t finish my sentence. I broke down boohoo crying. The last time I did that was when I had a major fight with my brother (another post for another day). I spent about 5 minutes crying. I don’t cry. No like seriously I don’t cry. I usually cry once a year, and that is always almost a family related cry. I just don’t cry, especially in front of strangers (i.e. non family members). Of all the places to cry, why her office?

So I still feel like a complete idiot about the crying jag. And I know that it really had nothing to do with the formatting errors. That was just the trigger. Between the stress, the non communication, me trying to be super woman, and fearing having to push back graduation (yet again!), and other mental issues that I have. I lost it. Shit I feel like crying right now as I type.

I need a shrink. But I know that if I have to openly deal with that emotional baggage right now, I will definitely have a mental break down and probably have to be medicated or worse institutionalized.

in my ears:

Angie Stone “The Art of Love and War”; John Legend-Save Room

angry student?!

Quick post for I am short on time. As usual.

I am so conflicted about how to react towards my committee members. On one hand I am absolutely appalled that they are not giving me the assistance that I need. On the other I feel like a jackass for complaining so much. They are humans as well. Yet they already have established careers, and I’m trying to earn my Masters.

More info later. Very detailed and drawn out story. For now take pity on me.

*edited to add information*

I am deep into the thesis process. So deep as a matter of fact I defend in 10 days. I am constantly begging my thesis adviser for constructive criticism. But she is off in her own world.

My thesis adviser had my first thesis draft for 3 weeks before she decided to actually read it. I basically harassed her about reading my draft. I sent email after email inquiring if she had finished. I went by her office several times. I even called her once or twice. Still she decided to take her sweet sweet sweet time. This caused me to push back my graduation. I couldn’t defend my thesis if it needed major revisions Which turns out it did. After she finally read my draft, she sent me an email saying that we needed to meet ASAP. But what happened to the numerous emails that I sent her? Nothing is important until she says its important. The worst part of all of this? She had my draft for 3 weeks and she only commented on small things. I have no issue with making revisions. That’s life. Nothing is perfect the first time it comes out. Perfection comes with repetition. I got that. So don’t get upset with me when I give you something that is not perfect. Next, don’t hold onto something for three weeks, say that it only needs minor revisions, then have a cow when i fix those revisions and miss major issues. Umm hello I don’t read minds. Give me comprehensive comments, not shit like fix grammar, you repeated this already.

She sent me this email:

“I hope you have been improving the document while I read the most recent
version. See comments attached. We need to meet ASAP.”

I am so angry right now.

Maybe I’m overreacting. I do tend to take things very personally. My mom calls me over emotional.

But this just does not feel right. Something deep within my soul is telling me that my adviser is trying to prevent me from defending my thesis by stalling. They are supposed to prevent you from even getting to the thesis defense if your draft sucks. I have heard rumors around the department that her and my co-chair have been discussing my fate. And my co-chair is pointedly told other professors that she doesn’t think I have what it takes. I ONLY believe this because I asked her myself what she thought. She wouldn’t answer the question.

What should I do?

signed

despair in academia

Thesis up ahead

I made my april 1st deadline. Although my revisions weren’t the best they could be. I turned it in around 2.30 pm 4/1. It was due at 5pm. But my brain had surrendered. If I could have turned it in around 10pm or so I could have taken a nap and made it better. Alas that was not the situation. My defense is 4/15 and I know that my advisor is going to wait until 4/13 to give me comments back. So in light of that, I plan to continue working on my draft. Make it better, faster, stronger (hah).

More details later.

What good is a blog, if you can’t use it to complain!!!

***post edited to update the link for the hunger strike video***

My thesis revisions are due on the first, I will have had 10 days to make all of the neccessary revisions, but of course I wait until the last minute to start working. I am so upset with myself right now. I went out last night, and got completely smashed. I mean balls to the walls smashed. Then I woke up at 8.40 am to babysit for one of my besties. That kinda worked out since me and the little girl ended up becoming nap buddies. That rocked. After they left, I went back to sleep. I didn’t officially wake up until 4pm, and then I have been hanging out with my “faux husband” ever since. I have lost all concept of responsibility. Any sane person would have said no *Faux Husband I can’t hang out I have a lot of work today. I can place some blame on him for pouting like a little bit&h. He throws temper tantrums when I don’t have time for him, but when he wants to hang out with his gay friends I’m encroaching on his space.

“Ohmigod we haven’t talked in 72 hours? are you alive? we need to hang out…why don’t you want to come to my house anymore whine whine whine”

That’s him bit&hing…omg I can hear him inside my head. That’s so sad.

Yet I still can’t blame him, because its my work not his. In other words my responsibility. Although it does bother me that he doesn’t respect my commitments. The worst part is that I allow him to do that. I used to be so strong. What happened to me?

Where are my thesis revisions? Why am I not writing? Pretty simple revisons (make all passive sentences active, clarify certain passages, delete repetition, and clean up commas) but am I doing it? No. Ugh sometimes I hate myself.

I am getting too old for this drinking stuff.

O but on the bright side, I got to watch the “‘banned’ in the USA” boondocks episodes: “The Hunger Strike” and “Uncle Ruckus’ Realty Show”. The episodes were aired in Canada, and someone posted on morrisvideo.com. it seems like another version of youtube, except that it doesn’t have to cowtow to corporate pressure…yet

Banned Boondocks

I cannot stop watching “The Hunger Strike”.

The episodes completely lambasted BET. No, you don’t understand me when I say that. Aaron McGruder obviously hates BET with every fiber of his soul and being. He holds nothing back in these episodes. Which makes for a very entertaining and enlightening show. Ceelo Green is masterful as the right Rev. Rollo Goodlove, an opportunistic parasite who feeds off of other people’s hard work to get what he wants. McGruder parodies the Austin Powers movies and portrays the head of BET as Dr. Evil and Reggie Hudlin as Number 2.

Quick synopsis:

The Hunger Strike: Huey starts a hunger strike to protest BET, he won’t end it until BET is taken off the air. According to him BET is ruining the black community, which they are. That’s their corporate model. Reverend Rollo Goodlove offers support for Huey and hilarity ensues.

Uncle Ruckus’ Reality show: If you are not familiar with Uncle Ruckus, he hates black people although he is black. BET decides to give him a realty show and life gets screwy. There is a plot twist, that rocks but I won’t ruin it for yall.

I don’t know if I agree with showing these episodes in Canada. I doubt that Canadians will understand the context that is so crucial to understanding why this is a satire and not reality.

Why am I having issues in completely accepting these two episodes if I enjoyed them so throughly? Every time I think about Rev. Rollo Goodlove and Mistress Levil I start laughing hysterically.

Main issues: I doubt that the Canadians will understand the social consequences that BET has on Black people. For that matter I don’t think white americans do either. It feels like McGruder is airing a lot of dirty laundry with these episodes. A lot of the things discussed in these two shows should be kept away from white people at all costs.

I also do not like the fact that McGruder used his show to make fun of a personal enemy, Reggie Hudlin. Who as it turns out was the executive producer of season one, but they obviously had some a falling out. Which led to his portrayal as a egg sucking, uncle tom negro, who is bent on destroying black people at all costs. I think using this show as a way to settle personal scores cheapens the value of the show. Maybe I’m reading too much into it but that worries me.

My printer software is a RAM hog. When it runs I cannot do anything else. In reality though, my computer should be able to handle that. Its running super slow, which is also hampering my thesising. I can’t stand slow computers. They interfere with my productivity flow. I’ll probably format it after I submit my thesis to the grad school. I really can’t risk losing anything right now. God forbid if something happens. I would have a complete and utter mental breakdown.

In addition to thesising I’m supposed to be working on this design competition which is due April 25th. The idea is to come up with a memorial design for the freedman’s/contraband cemetery in Virgina. This was where they buried all of the slaves and freedmen who fought in the civil war. Somehow over the years people forgot that it was a cemetery, and it was just rediscovered. Now the city wants to commemorate and remember it. I seriously have the most banging idea ever. And I am almost sure that it would win, or at the very least receive an honorable mention. So why is the design not finished? My fear is paralyzing me. I’d rather not do something, then try and fail. Sad I know. But that’s the story of my life.

I am also in the midst of a personal regime change. I’m tired of being fat, tired of people walking over me because I’m fat and they think that I cannot do any better, tired of letting people think that about me, and tired of regretting things. Today is the day that I make changes. Those changes are coming in the form of dandelions. Dandelions? Yes, Dandelions. If I see a Dandelion, I pick it, take my deepest desire, express it in a wish and then blow. If I blow all of the seeds off the dandelion in one shot, I believe that my wish will come true. So far I’m 3 for 4!!! Here’s hoping that my dreams continue to come true. I’m also praying more.

I keep sneezing uncontrollably. I hope to god that I am not developing allergies. That would suck eggs. It would also be weird since I’ve been in da ville for 6 years and am now JUST developing a reaction to the pollen. Right before I leave!

ciao for now

*(names have been changed to protect the not so innocent)

playlist: easing the pain

Further Up The Road-Johnny Cash

If You Could Read My Mind Love-Johnny Cash

Hurt-Johnny Cash

I Can Be-Alyliah

Falling-Amerie

Its Good To Be Free-Oasis

The Masterplan-Oasis

Pleasure and Pain-112

She Aint Got No Money In The Bank-Swizz Beatz

The Real Folk Blues-The Seatbelts

Shake It-Little Brother

K.O.S. Determination-BlackStar

Astronomy (8th Light)-BlackStar

If You Want Me To Stay-Sly & the Family Stone

Summer Soft-Stevie Wonder

Lonesome Valley-The Fairfield Four

it seems like my life is broken record

“Sigh“

I am so stressed right now that I cannot even believe it. I am more stressed than when I was in Nantucket and 8 people hated and simultaneously ignored me for a few weeks. I might seem like an independent person, but when 8 people whom you work, live, eat and (supposedly) play with ignore and leave you out of festivities it takes a toll on you mentally. Now its my committee who is ignoring me and skull raping me.

Who is this committee you might ask? This panel of three people include my chair, co-chair (why do I have a co-chair when I didn’t want one) and a reader. And how are they ignoring me? Well my chair won’t return my emails, or return my thesis draft to me (she’s had it for 3 weeks including spring break). I am also not getting the support I need from my chair. I have a sneaking suspicion that she is trying to force me to graduate next fall (because she doesn’t think I’m ready). No way jose! My co-chair had my draft for 2 weeks, but only devoted 6 hours to reading my draft, and the majority of her comments focused on grammar and formatting issues. Umm FUCK grammar right now! I could care less about grammar, until I have my thoughts straight. I really don’t have any issues with my third committee member, she is actually cooperating. I guess the first two are giving me enough problems. Oh I almost forgot to mention that my co-chair is talking about me to other professors in my department, and then those people are talking to STUDENTS ABOUT ME!!! Let me repeat that: a professor is telling a colleague (who has no say in my graduation at all) that she thinks that I do not have the stones to finish my thesis (paraphrased), and then that colleague told one of my good departmental buddies what a said to b. Granted I am taking this with a grain of salt, but I’ve heard from other sources the same thing. Seriously? Did I miss something? Or was that completely unprofessional?

<Inhale> <Exhale><Inhale><Exhale>

And how is this stress taking its toll on me?

1. I can’t sleep. When I lay down at night, I worry about my thesis. I am constantly writing and revising in my head, but when I try to actually write I’m so anxious it all goes out the window. Add to everything that I am a perfectionist. Which means I’ll prefer to not do something, then try and fail. Because at least I know for a fact that I don’t have to worry about the perfection of the work, if it doesn’t exist.
2. My heart is constantly racing.
3. My stomach is in knots. It feels like a gigantic boulder took up residence at the pit of my stomach, blocking everything. This is what happened in Nantucket, I didn’t eat properly for a month; miraculously I didn’t lose any weight. I have seen it over and over again in the movies, and in books and what not, that when a person gets super stressed, they start losing weight, their hair loses its luster and/or falls out, their skin looks sallow and what not. None of that is happening to me (nor do I want it to), except for the stomach thing. Last week I purchased Vegan With A Vengeance by Isa Moskowitz phenomenal cookbook, even if you aren’t vegan (which I’m not). And I made my menu for this week, and then I went to the grocery store to procure all of the needed ingredients. I was so excited. I could not wait for today to come. I planned the breakfast meals for today, tomorrow and Wednesday’s and I was just so ready to cook and consume my goodies. There were going to be Breakfast Burritos (with eggs scrambled with scallions, swiss, tomato, mushrooms, and bell peppers), a glass of orange juice, and a cup of coffee (with almond milk and 2 tablespoons of sugar). I went to bed last night around midnight, and I tossed and turned until 1am or so. And I woke up at 8:20am 10 minutes before my alarm went off. Breakfast was out of the question. My stomach forbade it. Well at least the breakfast I planned. I knew I had to eat something, or I would die of starvation later during the day (see snackys are my savior post). So I forced down a cup of cereal and some almond milk, oj, and a banana. But not the coffee. Which let me know that I was not feeling well. I LOVE coffee! If I could marry it, I would. Hyperbole I know but you get my point.
4. My brother is acting like an idiot. I got a cell phone for him in my name, and he got upset with me today because I asked him if he was making payments on it? Hello that’s my credit not yours.
5. My frienmeies are acting up again. One girl yelled at me because I decided not to come home for spring break and gasp I dared not to call her and inform her of my change of plans. So I hung up on her. No one talks to me like that. O no! She’s mad at me now. I’m mad at the audacity of her! My other so called friend, “forgot” to pick me up for a function, which he volunteered to squire me to. You can’t forget someone, if they call you 4 times! And when he confronted me about it, I told him that I wasn’t mad at him (which was a lie, but I refused to yell at someone about some b.s. like that) but I refused to get in the car with him. This is the same frienemy that thinks we should only do what he wants and go where he wants to.
6. I am flat broke. And I was invited out for Saint Patrick’s Day with some cool people from the department (well at least when they want to be). But no, can’t go because no dineros in el banco. Oh and I had to cancel on Carrabas with another good friend. That devastated me. I love that place.
7. I had an anxiety dream a few days ago about moving back home. On one hand moving back home would allow me to pay back my student loans quicker (no rent), on the other hand I will have to move back into a room, and have to deal with my mom, her new husband, my brother and my little cousin. All of this after years of living alone. Although Christmas Break wasn’t too bad (until I cursed my brother out like a dirty dog).

Right now I feel like life has taken a huge dump down my throat. And I thought I could hide my feelings, apparently such is not the case. One of my department friends saw me this morning, and asked me if I needed a hug. I looked super sad, is what she said. So she invited me out to lunch, and I was getting ready to cancel on her, because I am broke (see number 6), but God was looking out for me and she spotted me for lunch.

I am trying to look on the bright side of things. Because I did get a good internship for the summer. I will be working in Charlotte County. Expanding my planning expertise. I got to talk to my mom today. First time in a long time too where I didn’t call her to beg for money (I feel like such an ass when I do that).

Frankly I am tired of this. It feels like I have been living the same nightmare for the few months. Something has to give.